On The Road With Patwoman

When I was young, I used to love traveling. Maybe it’s because we only did it once a year that it seemed like such a luxury to me. I also used to watch Wheel of Fortune during the day in the summer and coach the winners to go for the trips. This was back when the contestants would win a dollar amount, and then they would “shop” in the “prize showroom” for that round. The showroom could contain trips, cars, boats, furniture, ceramic Dalmatians… all kinds of things. The winner of the round would stand next to Pat Sajak and say things like “Uh… I’ll take the side-by-side GE refrigerator for $850, Pat…” and meanwhile, I’d be screaming at the TV “Take the trip to Paris for $2000!”

Yeah. I got into TV back then.

Anyway, travelling is not really a lot of fun for me now. I’m good for, like, one day. And toward the end of that day, I’m ready to be home. In my comfy pants. On my own couch.

Still, yesterday was a good trip. (A day trip. So by the time I got home, I was ready to be home—but not crazy ready, if you know what I mean.) And there was so much to see on this trip.

One of the coolest things I saw was when we stopped at a Starbucks. There was a used car lot next door, and at the end of the drive was a pickup truck with a 9-foot rooster in the back. I tried to take a picture, but sadly, going through the mountains sucked the entire life out of my iPhone. And our rental car was apparently the only one on Earth without a cigarette lighter or a USB port to recharge it.

One of the worst things I saw was a gas station bathroom. First, it was outside of the station, so I had to take a key attached to a long plastic bar to the darkened side of the building. (That’s #1 of how you know the bathroom is going to be bad.) Second, the toilet was stuffed with paper towels (and bodily excrement) and the walls were written on.

As I turned to leave, without using the facilities, I noticed a sign on the wall from the management. It said “Please do not put paper towels in the toilet or write vulgarities on the wall.”

Now, seriously. If you write something like that, what do you think is going to happen?