If Jon Bon Jovi Could Turn Back Time

Have you seen DirectTV's new commercials that star Jon Bon Jovi? No? Here's the quick version: Various people turn on the TV and notice that they've missed most of the program they wanted to see. They are sad, until Jon Bon Jovi magically appears in their living room and uses their remote to restart the program from the beginning. The whole time, he's singing about how you can "turn back time."

Now, as cool as a rock star genie appearing in your living room would be, like all genie stories this turns out to be a monumentally terrible thing. Sure, he restarts the program so they don't miss anything, but then he proceeds to (in a couple of different commercials) bring back the wife's ex-boyfriend, get rid of the couple's second child, and reanimate a man's dead grandfather. All the while, Bon Jovi is singing and smirking.

But what is making him smile? Is Bon Jovi evil? Come on. The author of "I'll Be There For You"? Not a chance.

No. I think this smile is hiding his deeper pain. He's thinking, "I've sold 130 million records. Why am I doing a commercial for the second worst television viewing option? What the hell did I do with all my money?"

See, despite the smirk, I don't think Bon Jovi's having a good time shilling DirectTV. Jon Bon Jovi can actually act. I've seen him do it. So he could definitely act as if he were enjoying his magical DirectTV powers.

But listen to his voice. There's no passion, no satisfaction in singing those words: turn back time. If anything, he's sympathizing with his victims in this--Yeah, buddy. I cockblocked you with the guy she dated before she married you. And I sympathize. I really do. But I used to sell out stadiums. How do you think that makes me feel?

His eyes. Oh, his eyes!

And his eyes... All the acting skill in the world couldn't hide the anguish in those eyes. "Yes, I disintegrated your baby." and "Yes, I materialized a Grampy Tim zombie in your living room." But also, "I'm hurting too."

Poor guy. Trapped in a bad commercial for a bad product, Bon Jovi finds himself leaping from living room to living room, putting things wrong that can't be put right, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.