Patwoman’s Job Hunting Tips
1. I cannot stress this enough… leave me no more than one message in a day. If you call and get my voicemail, I will call you back as soon as I am able. Do not call me ten minutes later. And then again ten minutes later. And then again ten minutes after that. And every ten minutes until you get me just to ask if I got your resume. Do you think I might be interviewing a candidate during that 60 minutes when you called 6 times?
2. Do not argue with me. “This is the required testing.” “I don’t see why I have to test.” “Well, we want to make sure you are qualified for this position, so we use a standardized, validated test.” “Well I don’t think you should.” “Well, it is required.” “I don’t think it should be.” “Well, it is.” “What does the test cover?” “Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint…” “I don’t think PowerPoint should be on there.” “Well it is.” “It shouldn’t be.”
3. Do not show up more than 15 minutes early. How many times do I have to say this? Showing up an hour and 20 minutes early tells me one thing right off the bat: you cannot follow even the simplest instructions.
4. Steer clear of personal, controversial, or awkward subjects during the interview. Last week I had job applicants:
a. Make racial comments about former workplaces
b. Talk about God’s punishment (Hurricanes and tornadoes)
c. Bless me and offer to pray for me
d. Tell me about her dead dog and the process of her dog dying
5. Do not devalue the job. Let’s think about this one for a second. Why would you tell me you want this job until something better comes along? You do, after all, have your resume out to several different places. Why would you tell me you need time off to interview for other jobs? Why would you tell me you feel the job is beneath you but “I’ll do it, just to have something”? Why would I want to waste my time with you?
6. Make sure your email addy is professional. Rollerskatinmommy@email.com is bad enough, but I have seen likalotapus@whatever.com, slicknick69er@whatever.com, drinkinandtokin@whatever.com, and dressovermyhead@whatever.com. And those are not even the most unprofessional.
7. Make sure your voice mail is professional. I have called candidates this week and hung up without leaving a message because I don’t have the time or inclination to sit through your scripture reading, your American Idol audition, your favorite rap or country song that I can’t even hear clearly because you recorded it with the phone against the speaker (and you recorded all 5 minutes of the song), or—worst of all—your kids telling me to leave a message. I know you think your kids are cute. Maybe they are cute. But believe me when I tell you nobody else (except maybe Grandma) enjoys their phone messages. Hell, I can’t even understand what they’re saying most of the time. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but you are looking for a job. You want to be professional. “Hay-oh. Uh. Ah. (giggle) Weeb a messige for Mommy. What? (whispers) What? Oh. Hay-oh. Weeb a tone. A messige. (giggle)” That’s not professional. (A real voicemail message, btw.)
8. Do not add that line on your resume that says “I enjoy music, animals, and spending time with my family and friends.” Really? That is the most idiotic thing ever. I swear, if I ever get a resume that says “I need a job to get away from my hobbies, my pets, family and friends” I will hire them on the spot.
2. Do not argue with me. “This is the required testing.” “I don’t see why I have to test.” “Well, we want to make sure you are qualified for this position, so we use a standardized, validated test.” “Well I don’t think you should.” “Well, it is required.” “I don’t think it should be.” “Well, it is.” “What does the test cover?” “Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint…” “I don’t think PowerPoint should be on there.” “Well it is.” “It shouldn’t be.”
3. Do not show up more than 15 minutes early. How many times do I have to say this? Showing up an hour and 20 minutes early tells me one thing right off the bat: you cannot follow even the simplest instructions.
4. Steer clear of personal, controversial, or awkward subjects during the interview. Last week I had job applicants:
a. Make racial comments about former workplaces
b. Talk about God’s punishment (Hurricanes and tornadoes)
c. Bless me and offer to pray for me
d. Tell me about her dead dog and the process of her dog dying
5. Do not devalue the job. Let’s think about this one for a second. Why would you tell me you want this job until something better comes along? You do, after all, have your resume out to several different places. Why would you tell me you need time off to interview for other jobs? Why would you tell me you feel the job is beneath you but “I’ll do it, just to have something”? Why would I want to waste my time with you?
6. Make sure your email addy is professional. Rollerskatinmommy@email.com is bad enough, but I have seen likalotapus@whatever.com, slicknick69er@whatever.com, drinkinandtokin@whatever.com, and dressovermyhead@whatever.com. And those are not even the most unprofessional.
7. Make sure your voice mail is professional. I have called candidates this week and hung up without leaving a message because I don’t have the time or inclination to sit through your scripture reading, your American Idol audition, your favorite rap or country song that I can’t even hear clearly because you recorded it with the phone against the speaker (and you recorded all 5 minutes of the song), or—worst of all—your kids telling me to leave a message. I know you think your kids are cute. Maybe they are cute. But believe me when I tell you nobody else (except maybe Grandma) enjoys their phone messages. Hell, I can’t even understand what they’re saying most of the time. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but you are looking for a job. You want to be professional. “Hay-oh. Uh. Ah. (giggle) Weeb a messige for Mommy. What? (whispers) What? Oh. Hay-oh. Weeb a tone. A messige. (giggle)” That’s not professional. (A real voicemail message, btw.)
8. Do not add that line on your resume that says “I enjoy music, animals, and spending time with my family and friends.” Really? That is the most idiotic thing ever. I swear, if I ever get a resume that says “I need a job to get away from my hobbies, my pets, family and friends” I will hire them on the spot.
posted by Patwoman | 6:50 AM
2 Comments:
lol! I could _really_ use a job to get away from my animals, family, and friends, but since it wouldn't make economic sense for me to send the kiddos to daycare, you won't be seeing my resume anytime soon :)
Can't wait to see it! By the way, make sure to add the Objective Line: "Interested in a stable position at a top company, where my experience and skills will be rewarded." (As opposed to "Interested in an unstable position for a disreputable company, which treats me like crap.")
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