I've Got The Guts To Experiment

Or at least the yarn that looks like it. It's Martha Stewart Crafts (Lion Brand) Mambo in Flamingo. I've seen this yarn in stores for a while now and have really wanted to experiment with it.

It's cool. I gotta say. It's like a roving-style acrylic mix covered in a (I don't know. Feels like a cotton or poly-cotton. The words are too small on the label for my blindo eyes to read.) thread. And so thick. Like, finger-thick.

Well, maybe not if you have chubby sausage-shaped fingers like me, but--you know--if you had normal fingers.

Anyway, I've had my eye on the black--which is called Zebra, btw, presumably because it has a white thread covering the black. (Which is pretty much the opposite of a zebra, in case you were wondering. Zebras actually have black stripes on a white body. But, you know, Martha didn't ask me when she named the yarn. So she will just have to deal with that embarrassment.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. I wanted to try this yarn, and I was at Michael's the other day and hey! All the colors except black were on sale for $2.49. So I got this pink thinking 1)It will be fun to wear with my pink Gamerz shirt and 2)Red heads aren't supposed to wear pink, so naturally I have to do it just so fashion knows it isn't the boss of me, damn it.

This little experiment, the Two Stitch Necklace, took me all of about 10 minutes to knit. (You know how I love to get my hands on those fat needles!) And I like it a lot. Even if it does slightly resemble a loop of large intestine around my neck. But you know what your friend Patwoman says at a time like this?

No guts, no glory.

That's right. I went there.

I Have Missed You!

And you. And you. And you.

Good God, I feel like I've been away for so long! And I have! But not by choice. Believe me, not by choice.

Have you seen that cheesy commercial where they try to scare-sell you some sort of computer virus protection/cleaner? This is a Computer Graveyard, filled with computers that contracted viruses... Yeah... That's where I've been!

Apparently there are viruses out there, cruising the interwebs, looking for sweet, innocent little computers like mine. These viruses just surf along on the interwaves, until they spot a good, no-nonsense message swimming along--like the automatic updates Microsoft sends to your computer. Then, they latch onto that message and ride it all the way back to your computer, where they kick off their shoes, put their maxi pads in your medicine cabinet, drink all your beer and basically just move in.

Of course, you don't realize that, at the time. You're just thinking Hm. Why is my computer running so slow? You're not thinking you have a virus, because you've got virus scan software, right?

But no. This is a tricky virus. It didn't come into your computer looking like a virus. What self-respecting computer security program would let a virus in? No, it took advantage of the nanoseconds that passed while it was riding your Microsoft update to, basically, mug the update and take its identification from it.

Virus: Yeah, hey Patwoman's Computer. It's me, Microsoft. Let me in.

So then once it's inside, this virus starts rooting through your computer's closet, trying on your computer's things and basically pulling a SWF on your real software programs. So when the auto-update from your virus scan comes in, it's ready for it.

Virus Scan: Hey, Patwoman's Computer. Everything ok?

Virus: Yeah. Fine. It's just me, Little Ol' Microsoft, chilling. No probs, bro.

Virus Scan: Well, okay then. I'll leave you to it.

So now this virus is feeling pretty cocky. I mean, it totally just fooled your Virus Scan into thinking it was Microsoft. What now? Well now it eats your Office.

Microsoft Update: Okay, Patwoman's Computer. I'm here to update you.

Virus: It's okay. I'm good.

Microsoft Update: You sure? 'Cause I thought you disappeared there for a second.

Virus: What? No. That's weird. No. I've been right here. Me. Little ol' Microsoft Office. Doing good.

Microsoft Update: Well, okay then. Have a good one, Microsoft Office.

Well now, you can imagine how arrogant this virus is. I mean, it just fooled Microsoft into thinking it was Microsoft! And all that gives it an appetite. So it eats your Adobe Acrobat and Flash.

Adobe Update: Hey Patwoman's Computer! I'm here to update you.

Virus (wearing Adobe's clothes): No need.

Flash Player Update: Hello Patwoman's Computer. Here comes your update.

Virus (now wearing Flash's clothes): Oh, no. I already got it. I'm good.

And it continues this whole Buffalo Bill-style killing and wearing of the skin until you don't have a single program on your computer that works. Oh yeah, your virus scan software tries. He keeps coming back every now and then, checking in. But this virus is like a bitchy girlfriend and apparently the virus scan just reaches the point where it just starts staying away longer and longer.

Virus Scan: You sure you're okay? Not sick or anything?

Virus: Why? Do I look sick? Is that what you're telling me? I look terrible?

Virus Scan: No, I mean, I-- I just-- Oh, hey. What's that waaaaay over there?

And so it goes, until the virus has run off all your updates. Then it gets lonely. It decides to have a party. It sends out invitations. Imagine opening your front door and letting just anyone come in and make themselves at home. That's what happened in my computer.

Thankfully Jim, the local computer brain surgeon/psychiatrist/mechanic/witch doctor at Fixit Computer Service, was able to bring my baby back to life. Thank you, Jim. I'm so glad I didn't have to send my computer to the Computer Graveyard.

Super Bowl Recap

First of all, I am so happy The Not-The-Patriots won. It was not the pants-down spanking those cheatbags deserved, but at least now maybe Belichick is starting to wonder if Satan is calling in his chips.

Secondly, I owe Madonna an apology. I said, several times before the halftime performance (even 5 minutes before the halftime performance) that I thought she was old and stale and that the Super Bowl should have gotten someone relevant with a hit song in this century, at least.

But I've got to say, it was a great show. I really liked it. And I liked it from beginning to end. And you know what? I didn't even notice MIA flipping the bird and neither did anyone else I talked to. But I wouldn't have been offended by that, anyway.

Thirdly, the commercials were funnier than they have been in a while. I abstained from watching them online prior to the game because I like to see them as they were meant to be seen. And thanks to so many people for trying to spoil that by telling me about them!

And finally... So glad Not-The-Patriots won. That's my all-time favorite team.

Friday UFO

Well, this is disappointing. Not only did I not really work on anything this week (outside of a tiny sock that took almost no time), but I don't really have anything to say about it.

I do want to say, though, I am seeing a ton of the hand-knitted or hand-crocheted scarves that were made for Super Bowl volunteers. If you did one (I did not. I just had too many commitments. And I can't stand the thought that someone might wear my scarf and cheer for the Patriots), you should know that people LOVED them.

Shawn, one of the managers in my company, showed me the scarf he got for being a volunteer. He was really happy with it. He told me "This is all hand knitted." like that was the coolest thing ever.

And I was so moved by that. I wish that the person who crocheted that particular scarf (It was crochet. Sorry, Shawn.) could have seen that pride. That, to me, would be the coolest thing ever.

Newton's Third Law

Science lesson: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I didn't make that up. That was Sir Isaac Newton. (Or, Figgy, as the ladies called him.) It means, basically, if something good happens, something bad will happen to even things out. Nature abhors imbalance.

It's true. Say you eat nachos with jalepenos. Delicious. Good thing. But then, you will have heartburn-driven nightmares all night. Evened out. Or, say you get everything under control for a change (Good thing). Then your water heater will go out. (Now we're even.)

Say you work from home one day and it's a good day--you get a lot done since you don't have the constant interruption you do at the office. And you don't have to fight Super Bowl traffic to and from work, which has been eating up a major chunk of time and creating a lot of stress. (Work at home = good thing.) Well then, Newton's Law requires one of your co-workers to act like you've taken the day off to visit a Carribean spa and whine until you're told working from home is not an option any more, so too effin bad that it will take you an hour to get out of the downtown tomorrow. (And that's what you get. Compliments of Newton. And your whiny-ass co-worker.)

Newton, you bastard.

Not Knitting - Just Hangin'

Took a break tonight from the sticks, as I like to call them. (Not really. I just made that up just now in an effort to sound cool. Ha! How cool can you be when you Gold Medal an old lady sport?)

I just hung out tonight. And did nothing. And that was... okay. It's funny how people just don't seem to relax these days. (Or maybe they do. Maybe it's just me. But seriously. Does anyone really need more than 4 1/2 hours sleep a night?) I think everyone should take a night a month to just relax and do nothing.

But no more than that. I mean, come on. Sleep when you're dead.

Oops! I Did It Again

I made a third stocking ornament. But that is the last one. Ha!

I think I pretty much have this pattern memorized by now. This third stocking went so much quicker. I did this one in about 5 minutes. (Okay, not 5 minutes. But pretty quickly, still.)



T came home about the time I was finishing this one up. I had it all seamed, but hadn't put the hanging loop on it yet. He looked at this little baby sock, then looked at me, and said "Something you want to tell me?"

What? Like another baby? Oh, no, Sweetie. Not without a court order I don't.