If you're not knitting, the terrorists win

(My mostly on-topic ramblings about knitting. And life in general. My life in specific.)

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Location: Indiana, United States

I'm a middle aged mother of 2 grown children and wife to a man who doesn't seem to mind my almost heroin-like yarn addiction. I spend my time writing, knitting, and generally stressing out.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Friday FO

Just a plain ol' red scarf. But this yarn is fluffy and it's very soft. This is just what I've been doing as I've been watching television. It's 5 feet long, so it's a good length for a scarf, and I've still got about half a skein left.

I think this yarn would look good paired with a black yarn of similar texture for a stripedy scarf. Hm. Maybe I'll do that next.

BTW, say goodbye to the crappy couch. My new one arrives tomorrow morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go turn this monster over and gut it so I can retrieve all the knitting needles it's eaten over the years.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Not Knitting, But Not Swearing, Either

Wednesday is my swearing beading night. Plus, I have all these lovely beads from my shopping trip to Joann.

I usually lay these beads out a couple of different ways before I finally like them. This time, I liked the way they looked the first time. Miraculously, I got the jump rings on pretty easily. After that, the beads went on fast.

It left me pretty free to watch Grease on ABC Family. (Don't judge me.)

I like this clasp. I've decided to wear this clasp in the front of the necklace, as a focal piece. Can you see it? They're snakes. Normally I wouldn't be interested in anything snaky, but this is pretty cool.

I had a few extra beads and decided to make a bracelet to match.

Not knitting. Not swearing. Not too bad.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Patwoman Goes To The Dollar Store

I like to go to the Dollar Store every so often. Sometimes you can find some really cool things among the mundane. Lots of things that are good for crafts, especially. Like sewing needles. And hot glue sticks. And the hot glue gun, for that matter.

I have, in the past, found and bought Blue Moon Beads and Findings; Lion Brand, Caron, and Bernat yarn; beaded fringe; and more.

But you never know what you're going to find at the Dollar Store. Like, what the hell is this? A green dog? A four legged frog? A lesson in why you shouldn't drink straight from the tap? Do you think the person who made this has ever even seen a frog?

And what about this?

Butt Aid. Really. Do I need to tell you how hard I laughed in the aisle of Dollar Tree? Freakin' tears came from my eyes. I'm that mature. Butt Aid.

I imagine the marketing meeting to name this product went something like this:

Executive 1: Okay, if a Band Aid makes you feel better when you're hurt...

Executive 2: I see where you're going with this, Bob. Product that makes you feel better = Band Aid; product that makes your butt feel better = Butt Aid.

Executive 1: It's brilliant in its simplicity!

At least, I hope that's what they were thinking and not a similar discussion:

Executive 1: Kool Aid = yummy...

Monday, June 20, 2011

What Is It?

What is this? My cat is curious. Do you want to know, too?

Achilles: Is it a purse?

No, you're just playing the odds.

Achilles: But it's always a purse.

Well, not this time. Look at it now.

Achilles: It still looks like a purse of some sort.

No. I'ts not a purse. Wait a sec. Let me do a few more rows. What do you think now?
Achilles: I'm still getting "purse" from that.

Really? Do you recognize it now?

Achilles: Not a purse?

OMG. You really think this looks like a purse?

Achilles: I don't want to say.

This really doesn't remind you of anyone?

Achilles: Purse?

Achilles: Heh. Heh. I just like to mess with her sometimes.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Not Knitting

M and I went to JoAnn this weekend. We usually go just to hang out, look at stuff, etc. Neither of us were really planning to buy anything. BUT...

JoAnn had tons of beads on sale. I mean really on sale, not just michael's-on-sale. I got strings of beads for less than a dollar each. And charms. And chains. And really, I'm not very good at restraint in the face of such pressure. I bought a ton of stuff.

So tonight was a swearing jewelry-making night. This pendant actually did come from Michael's. A long time ago. I think I used a 40% off coupon. (Which is good, but not as good as less than a dollar.) But I really liked it and thought it was kind of gothic-looking. It's been in my bead box, waiting for something to call out to it.

Like these charms. I had to make my own black jump rings out of wire. That's a pain in the ass, but once you get used to doing it... No. It's still a pain in the ass. Sorry.

But Patwoman, why do you keep making jewelry if it just frustrates you so much? Because, Gentle Reader, it's so @#$%^! relaxing.

And here's the final piece. Worth the broken thumbnail swearing eyestrain effort!

Monday, June 13, 2011

What Is It? (Stunt Blogging by M)

What is this?

Achilles wants to know.

Are you curious, too?

Is it a memory game?

No. Is it a fanciful cat hat?
No. Is it a handlebar mustache?
No. Is it a cat thong?
It's a cat-terpiller.

A CAT-terpiller.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Patwoman Goes Shoppping

Recently, T and I went to the Education Supply Store (I'm not sure what the actual name is. That's what I call it.) because that's where I get my spiral binding done. They do it for about a tenth the price of Kinko's, btw. (Oh, and Kinko's is apparently not Kinko's anymore. They are FedEx. You can tell I'm not super big on store names.) And they do it quicker than FedEx/Kinko's. (Which means they will take longer to do the actual binding, but they won't make you wait for 20 minutes while they flirt with the guy in line in front of you, even though he is not cute and not all that interested. That is a true story.)

So, while the associate was binding my cookbooks, T and I took a turn around the store. The selection of novelty notes (see above) was pretty impressive. I think that's probably the best part of teaching, all those crazy animal shaped notepads.

Oh, and the sculpting of young minds, of course.

But I must admit, I was a little disappointed in how spoiled this generation of children is. I mean, look at this. It's a pack of pre-cut paper dolls. I guess the idea is that the kids get to jump to the decorating of the paper dolls right away, without the bother of trying to cut them out. But that was always part of the lesson of paper dolls, wasn't it? To teach kids fine motor skills like cutting curves? And as I recall, it was always a really nice "aha!" moment when you finished all the cutting and then unfolded your paper to find these identical dolls, joined at the hand and foot...

Oh wait, that might be a little creepy, now that I think of it.

I did like this, though.
A premade puppet. That would be lots of fun, I think. Hey, what's this? It's a lion. No, it's a king. No, it's a beautiful female astronaut with an IQ of 156. No, it's a cute little sugar cookie boy calling you back to Candyland. No, it's a blank-featured homunculus created in some evil wizard's lab and fed on the blood of the innocents, sent to bring destruction to your whole house and line. You see? Now that's the way to encourage creativity in children!

Monday, June 06, 2011

What Is It?

What is this? My cat wants to know. Are you curious, too?

Is it a wizard's cape for Kevin Sorbo?


Is it a bottle cover for my genie bottle?


Is it some kind of knitted handwarmer?


Yes, that's it. It's a mitten I knitted a long time ago and never seamed, for some reason. And here is the pair.

And here is... a third? WTH? Really?

"You one crazy hu-mom."

Friday, June 03, 2011

Friday FO

A purse. Knit in Lion Brand Suede. Black. Can you see the cables? No matter. I can see them.

Lined in black, too. A fabtacular fake black velvet.

I love the ribbon. The color is actually called "Shocking Pink." Now, I don't know what's so shocking about it, but it is pink. It's so bright and so pink, I feel like it should be called "Brite Pink."

Brite Pink. Yeah. I like that.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

How Why To Swear

Sometimes you're just sitting around, thinking to yourself "I don't swear enough." Or "There just doesn't seem to be enough reasons to swear a blue streak." Those are the times when you've just got to whip out some frustrating piece of crap and fire up the ol' potty mouth.

For instance, do you remember this? Sharon's Bad Sweater that I was going to unravel for the yarn?

Bad, bad sweater.

Remember how I stopped working on it because it was so #!@%&*!! frustrating? Well, somehow I forgot all about that. Or at least I forgot just how #!@%&*!! frustrating it was. And tonight I thought, I think I'll push myself to the brink of a stroke I think I'll work on that sweater a bit more.

What's frustrating about this sweater is that it's actually knit from two balls of yarn. One going one way; one going the other. So, you can never get going at a good clip when you are unravelling. You're continually having to work with first one ball of yarn, and then the other.

To make things worse, this yarn has some mohair to it. So it doesn't really want to be unravelled. And look at it! The two balls of yarn are obviously different!

Anyway, I ripped out one of the fronts and one of the sleeves the first time. This time it was the back. So, just the one sleeve and one front to go.

Why am I bothering, if it is so frustrating? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess I kind of feel like, In for a penny; in for a pound. I've started this, and I'm halfway done. So I might as well finish.

Plus, no #!@%&*!! sweater is going to beat me!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Not Knitting

I have been trying to knit these last few nights, but I've been so exhausted that I usually end up frustrated and/or falling asleep in the chair. Tonight I thought, Why make up swear words knit when I can make up worse swear words create something using all these beads I've bought and done nothing with?

So, I gathered my beads and beading supplies.

And had two volunteers to keep my company.

If you think they both look pissed off, you're right. They got quite territorial about who was going to sit on what bead box and ended up in a slapping match right after I took these photos.

The hard part is always the damn jump rings. Or maybe it's my eyesight. Whatever. But I can never see those things clearly enough to tell if they are closed all the way or not. And you've gotta get them all the way closed, people. If you don't, well then, you're just gonna have to make up a whole bunch of swear words.

This is the non-swearing, fun part.

There were no new swear words for the other end of the clasp. You know I'm not clever enough to make up a second set of swear words big on recycling--even phrases. And, anyway, look at the finished product!

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