Friends Don't Let Friends... uh... Release Giant Snakes?

National Geographic has an interesting article online about the problems people are causing by releasing their exotic snakes into the wild. (The best line in this article, seriously, is “friends don't let their friends release giant snakes.”)

I’m sorry. I really thought this was common sense. If you have an animal that doesn’t belong in that ecosystem, don’t release it into the ecosystem.

Of course, one might argue that almost all livestock in North America are introduced species. But we’re not talking about that kind of introduction. Not the same as “Oh, darn it. My reticulated python is getting way too big. I will just take it out to the country and drop it off in the woods some place.”

I’m not even going to touch the whole responsible pet ownership thing. Seriously, people. That’s just not the thing to do. (Neither is flushing it down the toilet, which I hear is a popular solution these days when you don’t want a snake, lizard, frog, or fish any more.)

No, what I really want to talk about is the absurdly evil nature of the people who do this.

Now, everyone in the US has seen a movie that starts out with somebody, either accidentally or on purpose, releasing (or letting escape) a non-native species into the unsuspecting ecosystem. There are no natural predators and the thing runs rampant, eating pets, livestock, birds, and fish. And then they just get worse, until people are being eaten by the thing.

And people just keep getting eaten—starting with the little trampy cheerleader and the horndog football player who think it’s a good idea to have sex in the woods, right next to the rampaging animal’s lair. (“Oh, Brad! I just can’t do it here! That looks like an animal’s lair or something! That doesn’t make me feel sexy.” “But Heather. You look sexy. And I don’t think that’s an animal lair. It’s probably just a natural formation of twigs and leaves. “ “Well, alright, then.”)

And, of course, somebody’s little brother will get eaten, while playing with his truck or a baseball or something in the woods. (Who was supposed to be watching this kid, anyway? Probably Heather. I’m thinking that’s your problem, right there.)

And nobody will be able to do anything about it. Not until Lorenzo Lamas or Lou Diamond Philips (or, God help us, Debbie Gibson) shows up, at least. And even then, the body count is going to get ridiculous.

Anyway, I say the people who release these snakes into the wild must have evil intentions because why else would they do that, knowing what we know from SyFy Channel? Here’s what you do. If you’ve got a friend with an exotic snake, you watch that friend. (Friends don't let friends release giant snakes.)

Oh, and don’t go making out in the woods. That always makes you the first target of any monster in any movie.