Patwoman’s Job Hunting Tips

I’m going to give you some advice here, and I hope you take it. First of all, don’t do drugs. But if you have to do drugs, don’t do them while you are job hunting. Jeez Crackers, people! If you can’t take a break long enough to get a job, get some help.

And if I tell you to get a drug screen within 24 hours, it means within 24 hours. Especially if I say “It’s very important that you get this done within 24 hours. You can’t work until I get the results back. And if you don’t take it within 24 hours, it’s the same as taking it and failing it. Do you understand?” Does that mean get it done 3 days later? No. It means within 24 hours.

If that’s not clear, we’ve got some other, serious issues with communication.

But let’s say you’ve been partying and you know you’re not going to pass the drug test. You’ve got some options.

1. My favorite – Just decline the position. You know you’re not going to pass. Cowboy up, sweetheart and take your medicine. Don’t waste my time and yours.


2. Try and take the drug test on the off chance that whatever you’ve done has worked itself out of your system by now. Probably not and your probably just wasting everyone’s time and money. But, some people still get surprised. (Someone told me once, “It was only pot.” I’ve also heard, “I only do drugs recreationally” and “I was just in the car with a bunch of people who may have been smoking pot before I even got in the car” and “But I promise I won’t be high while I’m at work.”)

You’re stupid, and here’s why: I’m not even going to comment on the legalize thing. Not my issue. Not going to make a health statement. But, I’ve told you every step of the way that you would have to pass a drug screen to be hired. At least a week has passed since I first told you. You signed 2 waivers for drug screen testing. So you are a) a liar, b) stupid, or c) under the impression I am stupid. Are you high now?


3. Try and pass the drug test using some “method” that you’ve bought at a tattoo parlor. Everybody knows somebody who’s used this and swears it’s worked. Everybody knows somebody who can tell you the “science” behind why it works.

Listen, those things don’t work. Different drugs take different amounts of time to work through your system. It depends on how much you had, how long ago it was, how much you weigh, what percentage of body fat you have, how hydrated your cells are (not how much water you’ve had to drink), what gender you are, and what other vitamins and minerals and chemicals are present in your body.

When those “methods” work, they do so by accident. Most of them are diuretics, which just make you pee. That gives your pee a different quality and the Medical Review Officer knows it and you fail. Some of them also require you to drink a lot of water, which also gives your pee a different gravity and you fail. Some of them are vitamins that are supposed to hide the drug. They don’t.

Those people who’ve passed a test using one of these products? Lucky. That’s all.

4. Try and pass the test by using someone else’s pee. You can’t keep pee on the outside of your body at the same temperature as the inside of your body. No matter what you do. That’s why they check your temperature, stupid. BTW, microwaved pee is a dead giveaway.


5. Wait 3 days to get the test done and then swear you had it done within the 24 hour period and people are just framing you. Because it’s not like that chain of custody form has a time/date stamp on it. (And one that you signed the time/date) And it’s not like there are 4 other copies of that form that go to different places. So you can’t conveniently “lose” yours or conveniently not be able to read the dates. Here’s a news flash: I’ve got a copy.

It’s been a bad day.