Patwoman Meditates On The New Year

As you know, I never make New Year's resolutions. Not because I feel I'm a realist--a person who knows all resolutions are doomed to fail. But because I am a realist--a person who knows resolutions are made in the excitement of the moment and that no matter what your intentions were when you were slugging down shots at 5 til midnight, you aren't going to do them past January 3.

Or maybe that's just me. Whatever. I don't make resolutions.

But I do reflect on the New Year. And the past. Which is more worthwhile, I think. It's a time of centering--Did I do anything I can be proud of this year? Did I help anyone? Did I grow in any way? What can I do to grow/help/accomplish this year?

Anyway, one of the things that people are continually telling me is that I am too stressed out. Gah! What the hell does that even mean? It makes me want to just punch them in the face!

So as I was reflecting, I thought, What the hell? I've got five minutes. Maybe I will try and do something about this alleged stress. And I downloaded a meditation app. (Yeah, there's an app for that.) First of all, it takes about five minutes to download, which I think defeats the whole purpose of a stress relief app.

iPhone: Close your eyes and relax.

This is the second problem I have with this. If it were as simple as closing my eyes, would I need an app?

iPhone: Feel your body relax.

Really? That's what we're going with? Relax, just do it?

iPhone: Concentrate on your forehead. Center your entire being there on your forehead.

I really did try to center my entire being on my forehead. But I was still stuck on the relaxing part. And then I wondered if I should hit pause until I was relaxed so I could move on? Or if by pausing, I would be breaking the relaxation (which, to this point, did not exist yet). Then I realized I wasn't going to relax if I kept thinking about how I was not relaxed, so I tried to think about nothing. But you know how that goes.

iPhone: Feel the warmth on your forehead. That's the circulation flowing through your skin. That's energy. That's life.

As I didn't feel any warmth, energy, or life in my forehead and I wasn't relaxed yet, I really started to question whether I should just stop the recording and go back to the beginning. I mean, if you don't get step 1 of the process, is anything else going to work?

iPhone: Now feel that warmth across your scalp, relaxing you...

Patwoman: Oh, Sweet God. Really?

After I deleted the app I started to think about it. (You might say I meditated on it.) Do I really want to be stress-free? Maybe I am held together soley by tension? And if I actually were stress-free, would I be Patwoman?

I think not. And so, I will remain Patwoman and pass into the East... Oh, wait. That's something else.