I Have Missed You!

And you. And you. And you.

Good God, I feel like I've been away for so long! And I have! But not by choice. Believe me, not by choice.

Have you seen that cheesy commercial where they try to scare-sell you some sort of computer virus protection/cleaner? This is a Computer Graveyard, filled with computers that contracted viruses... Yeah... That's where I've been!

Apparently there are viruses out there, cruising the interwebs, looking for sweet, innocent little computers like mine. These viruses just surf along on the interwaves, until they spot a good, no-nonsense message swimming along--like the automatic updates Microsoft sends to your computer. Then, they latch onto that message and ride it all the way back to your computer, where they kick off their shoes, put their maxi pads in your medicine cabinet, drink all your beer and basically just move in.

Of course, you don't realize that, at the time. You're just thinking Hm. Why is my computer running so slow? You're not thinking you have a virus, because you've got virus scan software, right?

But no. This is a tricky virus. It didn't come into your computer looking like a virus. What self-respecting computer security program would let a virus in? No, it took advantage of the nanoseconds that passed while it was riding your Microsoft update to, basically, mug the update and take its identification from it.

Virus: Yeah, hey Patwoman's Computer. It's me, Microsoft. Let me in.

So then once it's inside, this virus starts rooting through your computer's closet, trying on your computer's things and basically pulling a SWF on your real software programs. So when the auto-update from your virus scan comes in, it's ready for it.

Virus Scan: Hey, Patwoman's Computer. Everything ok?

Virus: Yeah. Fine. It's just me, Little Ol' Microsoft, chilling. No probs, bro.

Virus Scan: Well, okay then. I'll leave you to it.

So now this virus is feeling pretty cocky. I mean, it totally just fooled your Virus Scan into thinking it was Microsoft. What now? Well now it eats your Office.

Microsoft Update: Okay, Patwoman's Computer. I'm here to update you.

Virus: It's okay. I'm good.

Microsoft Update: You sure? 'Cause I thought you disappeared there for a second.

Virus: What? No. That's weird. No. I've been right here. Me. Little ol' Microsoft Office. Doing good.

Microsoft Update: Well, okay then. Have a good one, Microsoft Office.

Well now, you can imagine how arrogant this virus is. I mean, it just fooled Microsoft into thinking it was Microsoft! And all that gives it an appetite. So it eats your Adobe Acrobat and Flash.

Adobe Update: Hey Patwoman's Computer! I'm here to update you.

Virus (wearing Adobe's clothes): No need.

Flash Player Update: Hello Patwoman's Computer. Here comes your update.

Virus (now wearing Flash's clothes): Oh, no. I already got it. I'm good.

And it continues this whole Buffalo Bill-style killing and wearing of the skin until you don't have a single program on your computer that works. Oh yeah, your virus scan software tries. He keeps coming back every now and then, checking in. But this virus is like a bitchy girlfriend and apparently the virus scan just reaches the point where it just starts staying away longer and longer.

Virus Scan: You sure you're okay? Not sick or anything?

Virus: Why? Do I look sick? Is that what you're telling me? I look terrible?

Virus Scan: No, I mean, I-- I just-- Oh, hey. What's that waaaaay over there?

And so it goes, until the virus has run off all your updates. Then it gets lonely. It decides to have a party. It sends out invitations. Imagine opening your front door and letting just anyone come in and make themselves at home. That's what happened in my computer.

Thankfully Jim, the local computer brain surgeon/psychiatrist/mechanic/witch doctor at Fixit Computer Service, was able to bring my baby back to life. Thank you, Jim. I'm so glad I didn't have to send my computer to the Computer Graveyard.