Spider, Spider In The Night

I was taking the trash out when I was greeted by this:

In case you can't see it, it's a ginormous spider in a web between my house and the tree next to my house. (Look at it! It's half the height of a brick!) And yes, I was greeted by it.

Hey, how's it going?

Shudder.

Well, I didn't go outside, after all. It was all I could do not to just nope the hell right out the back door and just keep going. Or, you know, burn the house down.

Instead, I just texted T and R to tell them that whoever got home first was going to have to kill that spider. Of course, it turned out to be R that made it home first. That was some bad luck. Look, you may think he has a pretty good chance of killing a spider with a shovel that size, but let me tell you something about R's spider killing skills. Here's an example:

Patwoman: OMG! Spider!

R: Killed it.

Patwoman: That wasn't it. That was a piece of lint. The spider is right there. On the wall.

R: Killed it.

Patwoman: Are you sure? It looks like you just knocked it onto the ground. Where's the body?

R: No, it's dead.

Patwoman: No, look! There it is, running across the floor. You didn't even stun it.

R: There. Killed it.

Patwoman: It's still running.

R: No. It's dead.

Patwoman: I can see it. Running.

R: It's dead.

Patwoman: Seriously?

That's a true story, by the way. That's actually the true story of every time I say "OMG! Spider!" around R. So, you can guess how this time went, too.

Right. Monster spider got slapped into the bushes next to the door. He'll be back.