Are Car Commercials Universal?

I watch a lot of late night TV. There are a lot of bad car commercials on late night TV. There are many reasons for that.

First, air time is cheaper late night than it is during the day. So a lot of dealerships feel like they are getting more for their advertising dollar by putting their commercials on late, late night. This is not necessarily true, of course. I mean, they are getting more commercials for the same money, but they would probably reach more of their target market by advertising during the evening news or during prime time. Still, they must be getting some business from it or they wouldn't keep doing it, right?

And the commercials are all bad for basically the same reason. They want to get the most for their money. So they go for the cheapest production value they possibly can. They use their employees, their relatives, and themselves as the "talent." I put that word in quotes because, believe me, not a single one of them has an ounce of acting talent.

The worst, of course, is Bob Rohrman. This guy has been around forever and his ads are basically the same ad over and over. Terrible. What's really awful about them (besides the awful acting, script, and production value) is that I get the impression he thinks they're good. Or at least that they are endearingly bad. They're not. I honestly thought his commercials couldn't get any worse... until he started putting his grandkids on. I hate that. But then, I thought it couldn't possibly get worse than that... Until he started using his "blooper reel" for his commercials. (Saving some money there, since it's already been filmed.) Seriously, what could be worse than watching someone screw up the worst series of commercials ever? Whatever it is, I'm afraid Bob is going to film that next.

There's another dealership (can't remember the name of it right now) that uses the son or grandson of the owner as it's spokesperson. The thing is, the kid is just fucking awful. He delivers the lines with the same enthusiasm as a chronic somniloquist. Even the jokes. Yeah. That's right. They wrote jokes for this kid. Jokes he clearly does not understand because they are grown up jokes. And his suit is too big. (Maybe they are trying to make him cuter?) It's not the kid's fault. He's maybe six years old. It's grandpa/dad's fault for thinking grown-ass adults would see an annoying child on TV and think, "Oh! I'm going to buy a car from the dealership that made this commercial."

I can never remember the name of this dealership because I always turn the channel when this commercial comes on. I feel sorry for him, though, because I'm betting his parents have convinced him he's the next Macaulay Culkin. (And they probably think that's a relevant comparison. "Oh, that Home Alone boy. He's one fine actor, there.")

A variation of this is the series of commercials where the dealership uses the daughter of the owner. She's as bad as the kid from the other dealership. No vocal inflection. Stares straight into the camera. No facial expression. No hand gestures. No movement of any kind. This is particularly awful because this woman has been doing these commercials for about 20 years now and she hasn't gotten any better at them. I swear, I think I could do anything and get at least marginally better at it after 20 years.

But the reason I decided to write about this today was because I saw a commercial last night for a car dealership that just astounded me in its cheesiness. Seriously. It was a car commercial queso, it was so cheesy. The owner of the dealership had superimposed himself in giant form, looking over the rooftop and lot of his dealership. Plus, there were spinning words--some with cartoon explosion effects. And, he must have heard me complain about the dead-faced woman from the other commercial, because he was smiling. Smiiiiiiiling.

So creepy. I actually think this is my favorite car commercial now.

These commercials are so bad--so cheesy, obnoxious, and cheap-looking--they are a metaphor for what usually gets referred to as "The Ugly American." Rude, loud, totally self-centered, and clearly undereducated. So embarassingly classless. But I thought to myself, that can't just be us, right? I mean, don't the people in Germany or England or Sweden go to a dealership to buy a car? Aren't those dealerships in competition with each other to sell cars? Don't those dealerships advertise? Surely there are car commercials and car salesmen in other countries, right? And surely they are as teeth-grindingly painful to watch as our commercials, right?

Please?

Somebody let me know.