Miss Gracie

We have received some really bad news about Miss Gracie. I think I told you... a few years ago, she had breast cancer and had to have some surgery. They removed all her milk glands and had her spayed. We were assured she would not ever get breast cancer again. However, we recently noticed a lump, just like it happened last time.

We took her to the vet and she said sometimes it's hard to tell if all the cancer is gone. Sometimes there is even just one cell left. It takes it a while to replicate, but it replicates. And a tumor grows. As bad as this is, the news gets worse.

Miss Gracie has gotten older since the last time. As cats tend to do. But now she is an old lady. She's almost 17 years old. The tumor grew so rapidly that the surgery is now deemed "radical." The vet does not think she would survive it. Ditto for any sort of chemotherapy treatment. She barely makes it through a vet visit. This cat gets so nervous just getting in the car that she pees on me every time. And not a little bit like "Oh I'm scared. Tinkle. Tinkle." More like "I'm terrified beyond any sort of bladder control. Whoosh." She gets so nervous that it takes her hours to calm down.

And I can't put her in a carrier. That totally freaks her out. People tell me "Oh, she'll calm down." But she doesn't. She gets more nervous. Holding her comforts her a little, at least.

If we do nothing, the tumor could grow slowly and give us some months with Miss Gracie. Or it could grow fast and we would have less time. She doesn't seem to have any pain, or really notice it at all--even though it has grown pretty rapidly just in this short time.

So our choices are all very bad ones.

• Surgery (which the vet doesn't even want to do because she thinks Miss Gracie won't survive it) and probably lose Miss Gracie right away.
• Chemo (which the vet doesn't think she will survive) which, if she survives, will make any time left miserable for her.
• Do nothing and let nature take its course. Eventually, when she does have pain, we will have to decide how to deal with that.

I am so devasatated by this news. I know she is an old lady cat, but I am not ready to say goodbye to her. And maybe it's not fair to make this about me, but last year I lost Gengen and Gabby. It just really sucks.

Still, I am thankful that she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. She has a healthy appetite. She seems mentally alert. She does not seem to have any pain or even notice the lump. But I think she knows. I can tell.

Miss Gracie has never been a lap cat. In fact, after we got her, it took her months before she came into a room where people were. It took her a year to sit on the couch. She has always been so happy to be petted by anyone, but she has never liked being held.

These days, however, she is ready and willing to hop right up into your lap and sit there all night. That's a pretty telling clue that she understands what is happening.