Patwoman's Job Hunting Tips

Once again, I feel I must share some of my professional experience with you, in case you happen to be in the job market. Today, let’s talk about The Interview.

So, your resume has done its job and now you’ve got an interview. Here are some things to remember:

1. Don’t kill the conversation with the first sentence. When I ask “How are you?” I really don’t need detailed information. I don’t need to know that you woke up so sick you weren’t sure you were going to be able to make it though the interview without vomiting. I don’t need to know that this is your first interview since your suicide attempt. I don’t need to know you’re a little upset because you just had an abortion. (All of these are real answers, folks.) It just makes it a little difficult to move the conversation ahead once you drop a bomb like that.

2. Do try to establish rapport with your interviewer. “I’m very happy to be here.” “What a lovely view from your office.” “Wow, that parking garage is a little scary.” (It really is.) Those are all things that we can talk about while we walk 20 steps from the waiting room to the interview enclave.

Some things that are not good to say: “I see your allergies are bothering you. Your poor eyes are so red and bruised. They look terrible.” I let this first one slide. It was the second time that bothered me, when she interrupted her example of working as part of a team to say “I just wish I could do something about your poor eyes.” (For the record, my eyes were not that bad.)


Also: “I expected someone much younger.” And “How long is this going to take?” And “I hope this turns into something. I don’t want to waste my time again.” Not good ways of establishing rapport with me. (And all real examples, sadly.)

3. Don’t answer the phone during your interview. Turn it off, people. The only reason you should answer your cell during a job interview is in the case of some kind of emergency. I’m okay with “I have to take this. It’s my daughter’s school.” I’m okay with “OMG this is the babysitter’s number!” I just get really offended by people who apologize for the phone ringing, then answer it, listen, and say “Oh, nothing. I’m just sitting here doing an interview for a job. What are you doing?”

And you know what really burns my butt? One time a candidate answered the phone and accepted another job!

4. Try not to say anything creepy during the interview, okay? Like “I would do anything to get this job. Anything.” Or “If I don’t get this job, I’m just going to go crazy.” Or, as someone told an associate of mine today “At least now that you’ve seen my face, it will be harder for you to disappoint me.”

5. Don’t be rude. This happened the other day: My associate was completing new hire documentation for an employee. My associate was pecking at the keyboard and was apparently going too slow for her new employee. The person sighed loudly and said, in an irritated tone “Do you just want me to do it? It would be a whole lot faster.”

I hate to be mean about this, but honestly, it’s not surprising some of these people are out of work.