If I Were...

...an ice cream cone, I'd be a scoop of Rocky Road in a sugar cone. You're having a good time, eating your chocolate ice cream, thinking you're so exotic because your chocolate ice cream isn't plain chocolate ice cream. You're thinking, "Oh, I've got such a handle on the extraordinary... Look at me, anticipating all the changing textures of chocolate ice cream, nuts, and marshmallows."

And then, boom! WTF? There's a scoop of Black Cherry mushed down underneath the Rocky Road! Didn't expect that, did you? And what's more, there's a hole in the tip of my cone and I've been leaking all over your shirt this whole time!



...a balloon, I would be a red balloon. Then I'd swear that not only was the song "Up, Up, and Away" written about me, but that "99 Luftballons" was written about me, too. (Only about how cool it would be if there were 99 of me.)




...a tool, I'd be a hammer. Because man! Those things are useful! Pound nails in stuff. Open jars. Open doors. Crack walnuts. Fix things. Break things. Get someone's attention real fast. No, that last one was a joke. Ha. Ha.

...a carpet, I'd be a vintage orange shag. Yeah, that's right. You gotta have a sense of humor. Or at least not give a @#$%&* what anyone else thinks.