Spoilers

I hate spoilers. But worse than spoilers, I hate the Spoilers, people who spoil things on purpose.

You know who I'm talking about. They know you haven't seen the episode, the movie, or read the book--you may even tell them you haven't seen it yet--and they have to tell you everything. Immediately. And over your protests.

And why? Are they so socially awkward that they have to "prove" they know something you don't? Kind of a "Look at me! Look how special I am!" thing? I think a lot of Spoilers fall into that category.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day about a show on television. Someone else--who was, in no way, invited into this conversation--came up and started to talk about all the things that had happened in the book and were going to happen in the next season.

Listen, if I just wanted to know what happened, I could read the books myself. (Not really. I don't have time to read anything these days. But they don't know that. For all they know, I live a life of luxury, sitting around eating bonbons and reading serial novels.) But that's not the point. The point is that I enjoy the television show. I enjoy watching what happens. It's a real dick move to butt into a conversation and start spoiling things.

As a general rule (with a few exceptions) I never read the book if I'm going to watch the movie. I'm just never happy with the result if I do. Take, for example, Jurassic Park. Loved that book. I read it in one sitting. It was one of the most exciting books I'd read in a long time. And when the trailer started being played for the movie, I was so excited...

And the movie was great, don't get me wrong. It just didn't have a whole lot to do with the book. Except, you know, that they were both about dinosaurs.

And don't even get me started on World War Z. That movie had no business even calling itself that. It had absolutely zero to do with the book. (Which was, by the way, brilliant and I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen the movie.)

And then there are the Troll Spoilers. Those are the people who know you don't want to know what happens--usually because you've told them repeatedly and firmly that you didn't want to know--and they tell you anyway because they want to spoil it for you. They're the same kind of people that see your wet cement and write FUCK YOU in it in the middle of the night so it dries that way. (That's never happened to me, by the way. But it happened to one of my neighbors. I won't tell you which one, but you'll know him by the crappy patch of cement at the end of his driveway that looks like it was put down after the rest.)

These are the same people who not only told their little brothers and sisters there was no Santa, they searched the house until they found their hidden Christmas presents, showed their siblings, and laughed when they cried. They're the same people who delight in every disappointment anyone else has and are somehow offended when someone else is happy.

Mean, mannerless people.

I console myself with the knowledge that they've imparted every bit of their wisdom in that one conversation.