Who Does Sting Trust?

So, I was just thinking the other day about Sting. (No, not in that way. Not this time at least.) What I was thinking was about how he has legally changed his name to Sting. A lot of celebrities do that, I guess. Madonna. Prince. Cher. That's not a big deal, I suppose. I just wonder how awkward it makes some things.

Like, when Sting goes to the parent/teacher conferences at his kids' school, does the teacher call him Sting? That seems very familiar on a first meeting, doesn't it? But what else would the teacher call him? Mr. Sting? What do Sting's kids' friends call him when they come over? "Thanks for letting us stay the night, St--er, Mister--um, Joe's dad."

Ha! Who cares? You're spending the night with Joe! And Sting!

But seriously, what name is on Sting's mailbox? Who is the junk mail addressed to? Does Sting even get junk mail? (If not, please tell me how you did it, Sting.) What name is on Sting's American Express card? Sting? That's it? Just Sting? Can he do that? Because my credit card won't even let me use an initial.

Does Sting have a credit card in his name? I mean, of course he has credit cards. Everyone has credit cards. What I mean is... I just can't imagine Sting running over to Target to get a stick of Arid Xtra Dry because he ran out. Or ordering one of those green ceramic cookware sets from late night TV. Or purchasing K-Stars for the Kim Kardashian Hollywood Game for his iPhone. Maybe he wouldn't do those things anyway. Maybe that's just me.

But surely Sting buys stuff, right?

He probably has an assistant who runs to Target for him, right? So what name is on the card? Sting's? Or the assistant's? It's awful risky giving your assistant full access to your money. Lots of celebrities have learned that the hard way.

Like Lilo. (Yes, I know. We haven't talked about Lilo in a long time. But she's been boring a pretty good girl lately.) Remember when she got busted for stealing a necklace from a store? She said yes, she did walk out with the jewelry without paying. But she never pays for things. She has assistants who do that. That seems legit to me. I think it's perfectly reasonable for Lindsey to assume that her assistants--whose job it is to take care of these things--would be doing their job.

There's a lot of things you can bust Lilo on, but I think this was a bogus claim. I think either the store wanted some publicity (or maybe Lilo was rude to them and they just wanted some revenge?) or maybe the assistant wasn't doing his/her job. And seriously, if you were not the most honest of assistants (and let me stress that I don't know Lindsey's assistants, so I can't speak to their character. I'm just speaking generally here.), you could easily steal from your boss, who would likely never find out about it.

Say you go into a clothing store and your boss tries on a dress. She likes it and decides to wear it home. Now you are supposed to pay for it, right? But, instead of doing that, you talk to the store manager and say "Hey. My boss really likes this place. Can we work out some kind of deal where you give her a dress every now and then and she tells everyone she got the dress here? Good publicity for your store." The manager either says no and you pay for the dress or they say yes and you pocket the money and tell your boss you paid for it.

Or, maybe your boss has been a shithead to you, so you don't even bother. And then the manager calls the police because your boss didn't pay for something. And then, because your boss has not been a stellar personality lately, with her DUIs and club fights and stuff, some stiff-ass judge decides to make an example of her. (Judge, can't you see? She only hurts herself.)

But we were talking about Sting. And maybe none of this applies. I mean, Sting's probably not the type to go traipsing la-te-da around Beverly Hills, trying on jewelry and expecting his assistants to take care of it. And he's not been a "bad boy" for a while. So no need to be made an example of. He is, in fact, a pretty good example, from what I can tell.

He seems pretty devoted to Trudi and pretty business savvy with his projects. Those projects--plays and documentaries and recordings of Elizabethan-era music played on a freakin' lute--I mean, that's pretty grown up stuff! And he's an environmental and human rights activist. And, I mean absolutely no disrespect by this, Sting, he's a senior citizen for crap's sake!

But still, knowing all of that, I still wonder... What name is on the card that pays for Sting's AARP subscription?