If I Had A Hammer...

I'd hammer in the morning.

Here's what I think...
...7 am on Saturday is too early to cut your grass if you live near me.
...School zones have posted speed limits for a reason. The reason is, so you don't run down the kids trying to get to school, dumbass. (I'm talking to you, Red Altima.)
...Even if it's a big imposition for you that the geese and their babies are in the road, you don't get to run them over. (Red Altima, Big Red Ford Truck With The Contractor Tool Box In Back, Little White Car With the Ironic Pro-Life Bumper Sticker, I'm talking to you.)

I'd hammer in the evening.

And you know what? I'd like to get home from work, too. So stop blocking the intersection when the light changes. You know you don't have time/room to get all the way through.

And since, from the looks of it, a lot of us stop at the grocery store on the way home from work, how about you put a few more cashiers on the line, Kroger?

And, oh, while we're at it... perhaps my neighbors can shut their bathroom curtains?

All over this land.

And listen, don't keep calling me at work when I tell you it's the wrong number. Look, I know you bill collectors are just doing your job, but not only am I not Stephanie X (name withheld to protect her privacy) but I don't even know Stephanie X. She doesn't work here. Never worked here in the five years I've been here. She's not an employee of mine and never has been. Nor is she listed at all in our entire worldwide (32 countries) company directory.

I've told you this at least 20 times and asked that you try to find Stephanie X somewhere else. I've asked you to stop calling me and take my office phone number out of your system.

How about this? Next time you call I'm just going to repeat everything you say, a second after you say it, except I'm going to use an over-the-top German accent. I'm talking full-on Colonel Klink. What do you think about that?

Let me tell you. It's a good thing for some people that I don't have a hammer.