The One Where Patwoman Nearly Causes A 10 Car Pile Up On Washington Street

Hello. My name is Pat and I am a knitaholic.

Hi Pat.

I've known, of course, for quite a while that I love yarn. I love knitting. I guess I just wasn't ready to admit I had a problem. But today, I had to grab lunch quickly and then get back to the office for a conference call. And as I passed Michael's and Joann's (in the same strip mall, come on!), the Patmobile just seemed to slow on its own.

If I were writing this scene it would go something like this:

***
Int. Patmobile. Daytime. Patwoman is driving along a busy road, singing to the radio to alleviate road rage.

Patwoman: (not really trying to hold the tune, because she can't, so might as well not even try) ...'cause your friends don't dance/and if they don't dance/then they're no friends of mine...

Medium close up on Patwoman as her eyes glaze over and her expression becomes slack.

Cut to: Ext. Highway. The Patmobile is in the foreground and we can see the Michael's sign through the windshield. The Patmobile slows noticeably, causing cars to swerve around it, honking.

Cut to: Int. Patmobile.

Patwoman: (trancelike) ...safety dance...safe...

Cut to: Ext. Highway. Camera pans back to show McDonald's just beyond the craft stores. Patmobile is drifting right, toward the strip mall entrance. Cars honk and drivers curse loudly as they are cut off.

Cut to: Int. Patmobile. Both Michael's and McDonald's are visible through the windshield now.

Extreme Close up on Patwoman's eyes as they move back and forth between the two.

Patwoman: Hmmm. I did eat yesterday...

***
Scene 2 would, of course, be a flashback montage sequence of Patwoman starting a dozen projects and then leaving them on the table beside her chair in the living room.

It would star T's Chaos Sweater and the Isabeau purse, but it would feature two newcomers.

The Aqua Tank, my own design. Knit from "Confetti" yarn from Dollar Tree, I am literally making it up as I go along. I have only just decided to add a drapey, cowl-like thing to the neckline.


And this one. It's the Slip Stich Top from Summer 2006 Knit 1. I'm using Moda Dea's Ticker Tape in "Festival." It's softer than I would have imagined ribbon to be. Very soft, actually.

Here's a close up of the stitches. The colors (although this pic is perhaps not the best representation) are bright, and not ones I am used to wearing. Still I like it a lot. I see it as the kind of sleeveless shell Patwoman would wear under a black suit.

Or would that give away my secret identity?

Can I Have Just One More UFO, Please?

I've got some sort of knitter's ADD, I think. I keep starting things. Just starting them. And then I buy more yarn and start more projects.

Honestly, I don't even know how many things I have going right now. Three? A hundred?

I'll tell you one thing... I've got more yarn right now than I will probably be able to knit with for the next three years. I'm at the point where I'm actually stashing yarn away (and not in a good way) because I feel so guilty about buying yet another shopping cart full of yarn.

I don't think T actually knows how much yarn I have, but I think he knows it's a lot. Seriously, my two file cabinets are stuffed full. My organizer cabinet is stuffed full. The bookshelf in our bedroom is stuffed full. I have two bags in the closet stuffed full. There's a bag under the desk in the bedroom stuffed full. And about six or eight bags stuffed full on top of the desk.

Oh my God. I'm not even able to hide it any more. I think I am about 2 skeins of yarn away from some kind of family/friend intervention.

And yet, here I am, trying to pretend that I can quit any time I want to. (Ha! I'll quit Adam West long before I quit yarn. And you know how I feel about Adam.)

I went to Michael's on my lunch break Friday. I passed through the yarn quickly, like it was some kind of test of character... Walk by the yarn, Pat. Resist... Still, I was unable to keep my hands to myself. I may have been walking, but I was walking and fondling skeins along the way.

Of course, I didn't make it out of the store without a purchase. The magazine rack is right up front, where you have to pass it on the way out. I was pretty proud of myself that I only purchased one issue of yarn porn.

I need something to take my mind off yarn...

News Of The Boobholder (Ha! I just said "boobholder" again!)

I made it home from work in record time today. Here's my trick... Just get behind a fire truck as it speeds along. People pull over for fire trucks, leaving you plenty of opportunity to just whizz right past 'em. And they go pretty fast, too. You can shave 25% off your drive time, easily.

This method might work with ambulances, too. But it won't work with police cars. Oh, wait... No. You can't speed in front of a police car.

Anyway, it was cool to get home quicker today, because I wanted to show you this, my third Minisweater (Stephanie Japel's pattern, with my own mutations added.) I am knitting this along with Caramelo. It is with the white Ping Pong I showed you some time back. I've knit all the way to where the sleeves are joined, but stopped there. I think Caramelo may be a little further along than me. I will have to check with her.


My mods include short row shaping, as I did on this one that I made for myself. I also made the waist longer, since that is not an area I care to accent with the Minisweater/Boobholder. And I skipped the poofs on the sleeves, since I am not much of a poofy type of girl. This is knit with a boucle, so it's very soft and fluffy.

Here's the one I did for M, btw. She does not care to make an appearance on my blog. (Though the girl will take 40 pictures of herself a night for her own blog. Go figure.) So this is the sweater, as modelled by Zeus. It's made from Caron Simply Soft. This one is pretty much as-written, except that I deleted the poofy sleeves on it, too. M is not a poofy girl, either.

Speaking of poofy girls....

Okay, it's got nothing to do with poofy girls. But I lack the imagination to make a decent segue.

I found this online today (My celebrity match):

Your match is Ben Affleck!
Lucky duck! You get tall, dark, and handsome celebrity stud Ben Affleck as your dream date (too bad you couldn't get lifelong best bud Matt Damon, too, eh?). Talented, clean-cut, ambitious, and as cute as they come, this sweet, slightly goofy preppy is just the Mr. Right you've been looking for. You've always had a weakness for a guy who's a little rougher around the edges, which is why Benny boy is right up your alley. A risk-taker who strikes us as a bit of a devil in disguise, Gwyneth's ex would take you for a walk on the wild side and indulge your inner bad girl. Smile for smile and sarcastic quip for sarcastic quip, we know this Oscar-winning Bostonian would show you a good time. Brought to you by Tickle

Is that me? I don't know. But I need to quit talking about Adam West for awhile before T gets really jealous and we end up with another Beastmaster incident.

It's A Wrap!

Ha! Ha! I'm so clever. Because it is a wrap, you know. I'm pretty pleased with how it came out. I actually finished it a few days early, even. No, really. I finished something. Here's some evidence:

The wrap. I used (I think I told you this before)about 2 skeins of Patons Brilliant in White Twinkle. Knit on #17's--but I am a loose knitter--using a freebie pattern from the Patons website. The pattern called for two yarns, a smooth one and a fluffy one, held together throughout. The Patons wrap is warmer, thicker, not as lacy. Using a lightweight yarn on big needles gave the thing an airy, light look that was perfect over the prom dress.


Here's M in the dress. T was taking pictures and, of course, the director in me was giving orders. Stand in front of the fireplace. Now look right here. Now drop the shoulder and turn so we can see the back of the shawl. But she was a trooper and took all the pix I asked. And doesn't she look great? I'm wondering how it's genetically possible for me to have such a beautiful child.

Here is M and her date, J. He did not seem to have a problem being at the house for the obligatory photo shoot before going to dinner. Very nice young man.

As you can imagine, most of my weekend was consumed with prom activities. But, I did find time to hit some garage sales. Always on the lookout for a bargain. And I found lots of cool things.

Firstly, I got a bag of craft stuff at a church sale. Since I was there on the last day of the sale, near the end, everything was half price. So, for 12 1/2¢ I got: knitting spool, pom pon makers, yarn needles, hairpin lace thingy (now I will have to learn) random yarn that will go onto the magic ball, embroidery hoop, plastic canvas (I don't know what to do with that), some pearl beads, and two circular needles!

T also found a box of 21 copper molds for $2! Now, if you've seen my kitchen, you know it is decorated in the style of Copper Mold Obsession. Seriously. Here's one wall. So I was all giddy about having more stuff to hang up!



And lastly, I bought this chair. Of course, it is not much to look at now, but I plan to refinish it and repair those weird holes in the leather. The guy who sold it to me (at his garage sale down the street from my house) is moving and I think he just wanted to get rid of it, because when he saw me looking at it, he told me to "just take it."

I was like, "How much?" And he says, "A dollar." So I gots me a fantastic Special Writing Chair for $1. How cool is that?

Prom Approaches

Saturday, in fact. I somehow thought I had more time. It's May already. Wow. Time flies. I've got to stop eating paint chips.

I'm confident I'll finish M's shawl, though. It's very simple, per her request. Made from Patons Brilliant in White Twinkle flavor. (Or as we say on the other side of the label... Blanc Scintillant.) I don't think this picture does the color justice. It's white, but it has a silver metallic thread running through it.

This is the dress M will wear to accent my shawl. She also has silver jewelry. So there's this whole red/silver theme.

I also picked up the extra cotton yarn to make my bigger Isabeau purse. I have only the handles and the lining to go, so hopefully I can finish that up pretty quickly. I'd like to start carrying my spring purse, you know?

Other than that, though, I've not done much knitting. And I've missed it, really. I keep thinking of all these things I'd like to make and I keep buying more yarn, but then I haven't had a lot of time/energy to knit.

Part of that is because I have not been sleeping well lately. I keep having these really strange dreams. And not the usual riding-the-space-shuttle-like-a-wild-pony type of dream, either.

The other night I dreamed I learned that some of my friends were robots and, while that was okay with me, some people were very offended and wanted to dismantle my friends. Another night I had come in from some desert testing facility and was going through a decontamination process, and instead of worrying about being contaminated or even being naked with all those people around, I worried that I didn't look good naked. (Which is true, but those kinds of thoughts don't usually find their way into my dreams.)

And then, last night, I was trying to determine what the line in the song "Sweet Home Alabama" (the one that says "I hope Neil Young will remember/A Southern Man don't want him around anyhow.") I knew it referenced Neil Young's song "Southern Man," which makes its own social statements, but it seemed to me that it had some other meaning that I was trying to determine. I asked some other people, but only got some weird looks.

I'm really surprised I'm not dreaming about walking. Blamey has forced me to exercise (yes, I said the E Word) by walking with her. I like to refer to those 30 minutes as The Lunchtime Death March.

Don't tell her, but all that walking is really making my butt look better. Seriously. I'm going to have to take a picture of my butt so you can see how good it's beginning to look.

That will be on a future blog entry.