Disappointment

A couple of weeks ago, I was leaving work and saw this parked in front of our building.

Turns out, they were handing out free packages of Planters Nuts. (You know I like all kinds of nuts.)

So you can imagine my excitement today when I looked out of the window of my interview room and saw this parked out front:

Sadly, it was parked there for some other reason. (Which I think the driver could've just said, instead of locking the doors and screaming "I'm calling the cops!")

Patwoman’s Job Hunting Tips

1. I cannot stress this enough… leave me no more than one message in a day. If you call and get my voicemail, I will call you back as soon as I am able. Do not call me ten minutes later. And then again ten minutes later. And then again ten minutes after that. And every ten minutes until you get me just to ask if I got your resume. Do you think I might be interviewing a candidate during that 60 minutes when you called 6 times?

2. Do not argue with me. “This is the required testing.” “I don’t see why I have to test.” “Well, we want to make sure you are qualified for this position, so we use a standardized, validated test.” “Well I don’t think you should.” “Well, it is required.” “I don’t think it should be.” “Well, it is.” “What does the test cover?” “Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint…” “I don’t think PowerPoint should be on there.” “Well it is.” “It shouldn’t be.”

3. Do not show up more than 15 minutes early. How many times do I have to say this? Showing up an hour and 20 minutes early tells me one thing right off the bat: you cannot follow even the simplest instructions.

4. Steer clear of personal, controversial, or awkward subjects during the interview. Last week I had job applicants:
a. Make racial comments about former workplaces
b. Talk about God’s punishment (Hurricanes and tornadoes)
c. Bless me and offer to pray for me
d. Tell me about her dead dog and the process of her dog dying

5. Do not devalue the job. Let’s think about this one for a second. Why would you tell me you want this job until something better comes along? You do, after all, have your resume out to several different places. Why would you tell me you need time off to interview for other jobs? Why would you tell me you feel the job is beneath you but “I’ll do it, just to have something”? Why would I want to waste my time with you?

6. Make sure your email addy is professional. Rollerskatinmommy@email.com is bad enough, but I have seen likalotapus@whatever.com, slicknick69er@whatever.com, drinkinandtokin@whatever.com, and dressovermyhead@whatever.com. And those are not even the most unprofessional.

7. Make sure your voice mail is professional. I have called candidates this week and hung up without leaving a message because I don’t have the time or inclination to sit through your scripture reading, your American Idol audition, your favorite rap or country song that I can’t even hear clearly because you recorded it with the phone against the speaker (and you recorded all 5 minutes of the song), or—worst of all—your kids telling me to leave a message. I know you think your kids are cute. Maybe they are cute. But believe me when I tell you nobody else (except maybe Grandma) enjoys their phone messages. Hell, I can’t even understand what they’re saying most of the time. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but you are looking for a job. You want to be professional. “Hay-oh. Uh. Ah. (giggle) Weeb a messige for Mommy. What? (whispers) What? Oh. Hay-oh. Weeb a tone. A messige. (giggle)” That’s not professional. (A real voicemail message, btw.)

8. Do not add that line on your resume that says “I enjoy music, animals, and spending time with my family and friends.” Really? That is the most idiotic thing ever. I swear, if I ever get a resume that says “I need a job to get away from my hobbies, my pets, family and friends” I will hire them on the spot.

Did I Mention I Love My Kindle?

I’m a total book snob now. Like, I was in a closeout sale at a bookstore a while back and picked out several things that are on my TBR list. But then I put them back. Because I can get them on my Kindle. Really, if I didn’t already have a craptillion books on my actual TBR pile, I would probably never read an old-fashioned paper book again. (Sorry Katie. But I still do love libraries, for what it’s worth.)

As a child of the 60’s (Yes, I know you are having trouble believing that. Go ahead and say so. You won’t embarrass me.), we were promised so many things by “The Future.” Robots. Flying cars. Moon colonies. Underwater cities. Computer brain implants.

You young people, who have always had cell phones and computers and MP3 players, you don’t understand the disappointment this so-called future is to us. How can you know what it was like to only be able to change TV channels by getting up and walking to the set? How can you know what it was like to have to listen to a bunch of songs you didn’t want to hear because you can’t back up the 8-track to get to the one song you did want to hear again? How can you know what it was like to have to sign up a week in advance to use one of the college’s four computers for your DOS programming homework because nobody had their own computer? No, not even the rich kids.

(DOS, in case you are not up on your ancient history, was a way of making you waste hours of your time, writing IF/THEN statements. And you would end up with a printed page that made a picture of a smiley face out of O’s or had some lame-ass message like "Congratulations, you have correctly completed the assignment." And by God, we would carry take those dot matrix printouts and enclose them in plastic report covers and carry them to our professor the next day all solemn and reverent, as if we had found the robes of The Master.)

How could you text-messaging, Facebooking, iPhoning youngsters know that exquisite pain?

Sigh. So I might not have the flying car or the computer brain implant, but I do have my Kindle. My portable electronic library. Just like Captains Kirk, Picard, Janeway, and Sisko.

And someday, I will have a robot companion, too.

Kindle Sweater And Other Random Thoughts

I have been told that I have not been posting enough lately. (Thanks, Adam. I will get right on that.) And it’s true. I haven’t. Not because I don’t love each and every one of you in a totally platonic and non-creepy sort of way, but because I just haven’t done anything exciting. In the last three weeks, I have nearly severed my finger (okay, not so much nearly severed as cut the shit out of it, but it hurt, trust me), fallen down in the cafeteria at work, and flashed strangers my underwear twice. That’s really not that interesting.

And I have been seriously frustrated with knitting. I started this and it was looking really fantabuloso. But you know, that’s not a pattern you can knit without looking. Found that out the hard way. It’s really not even a pattern you can easily frog back and reknit once you realize how badly you’ve fucked the thing up gotten off track.

And I started this, which I mentioned here before. Love love love the color. And you know the pattern is so simple you can watch Supernatural and Prison Break (which is on SiTv, now, gracias!) and anything you want and never miss a muscle flex or a stitch. But, what you have to do is make sure you are knitting the correct size first. Found that out the hard way, too.

I got the body done and was ready to do sleeves when it first occurred to me to try it on. And, of course, it would only fit me with the help of a time machine (run by Richard Simmons.) It would fit M, but she is not crazy about it. Love it when people try not to hurt your feelings, too. "I think it’s great, but it really would look better on you." Really? Even with that six inch gap in front? "Well, you could add some… uh… long button loops. Or a belt. That would look really good."

Can you hear the frog pond calling?

Seriously. I was getting ready to cast on for a garter stitch scarf. On #13 needles. You know, when in doubt, go back to the basics. And I needed a success.

But then, I decided to do this. A sweater for my Kindle. Did I tell you how much I love my Kindle? (Not in a dirty way. Get your mind out of the gutter. What Kindle and I have is special.) I have not been carrying My Precious around lately because the purse I am using now has no pockets and I worry about it getting bashed up. I had planned to knit and felt a cozy for My Precious, but (see above).

Anyway, this is a simple pattern. Knit mostly in the round, with paired decreases. It’s a test of faith, really, because you start off with a weird ring of stitches and some flaps and you just have to trust that the pattern will give you this pocket shape. But it worked beautifully and I’m happy with the result. Knit from some scraps (like .25 of a skein) of Berella 4 in Black and Bernat Satin in Wine Mist Heather.

You can see that the pattern calls for the opening to be on the side, while my button is on top. Now, you may think this is a mistake, like I wasn’t paying attention and just seamed the wrong opening while watching SiTv. But I’m really just sending a message to The Man, here: Rules are meant to be broken.

FO… After Two Years

I love it when you find something on your To Be Finished Pile (or in my case piles) and think “Oh yeah. I remember when I finished knitting that. Why didn’t I just weave in the ends? (Or seam it. Or add the edging.)” I love it because when you are really needing an FO, you’ve got one with minimal work.

So here is the Nagano Sakura I started on a car trip way back when. Actually, I should probably call this Nagano Sakura-ish, because it is not exactly according to the pattern. I think something happened to the pattern, as I remember, like it got kicked out of the car or something, about halfway through. So I was forced to finish from memory.



Which is not a big deal, since this is mostly I-cord, right? But I had a lot of problems with the flowers, as I recall. I think I had even tried to just crochet some cherry blossom-looking flowers to attach… but they just didn’t look right. So I shoved the whole thing… I-cord, flowers, yarn, whatever. I don’t even remember what yarn this is. I want to say it’s Lion Brand Microspun.

Anyway, the other night, I whipped this puppy out and just knitted some flowers and leaves. Boom. There you go. Done in less than an hour.

Actually, less than that, even, since I first made this flower, but then decided against it. This one will show up on a purse, I think. Stay tuned.

I’m Obsessed With Train Wrecks Lately

Like this whole Jesse James thing. He checked himself into a facility to treat sex addiction? Seriously? I thought he couldn’t get lower.

Don’t get me wrong. I think there is such a thing as true sex addiction. Happens with people who were sexually abused as children or abandoned. They literally cannot control the behavior that disgusts them. They do it because they have been damaged emotionally.

Not because they are horny.

And now I’m hearing “Sandra knew he was a bad boy when she married him.” And this makes me even madder. So she deserved it? Isn’t this like saying “that girl wears her skirts too short, so she deserves to be raped”?

Come on, people. Shouldn’t you be able to trust your spouse not to drop trou every time you turn your back?

And Tiger? Now he’s telling some kind of story about being tied to a tree? Didn’t I see this in a movie? I mean, really. (He claims sex addiction, too, by the way. I think he’s addicted to attention.)

Kinda like Lilo. Poor Lilo. She’s just not good at it, really. Falling down drunk? Stalking your ex? Fighting with your dad in a highly publicized Twitter spat? Going broke? Pffft. Everybody does that crap. Come on, Lindsey. Show some commitment. Shave your head. Beat someone up with an umbrella. Lock yourself in a bathroom with a child.

Britney… where are you, girlfriend?