The Gunslinger

I’m in the process of reading Steven King’s The Dark Tower series and I really like it. It's traditional western (which I love), dark fantasy (which I love), and epic (which I love). So King hits on all cylinders with these novels. Plus, he loops in some references to his other novels—“I heard about this car that was possessed one time…” or a newspaper headline about Captain Trips in a deserted rail station, graffiti on the wall with another character’s name. It’s kind of like when you find the Easter Eggs in a video game.

Anyway, as you know, I always “cast” the characters in my mind as I read a novel. Or as I write, it works both ways. And last night we were talking about who we would cast as Roland, the gunslinger. And M says “You know they’re making a movie, right?”

No, as a matter of fact, I didn’t know. But… YAY! And also, Hmmmmm. On the one hand, I would love to see this as a movie. An epic trilogy, like Lord of the Rings. But on the other hand, I am reminded of how badly most novels translate to film (DaVinci Code, anyone?). And, even when they are good—Jurassic Park, for example, they are never quite good enough. (My comment when I walked out of the theater after JP, btw was: That was great. Now I’d like to see one based on the book.)

Even when they are epic—I’m thinking Dune, here—they just can’t encompass the emotions the book stirs up. I’m not being a book snob. You know I love movies. I just think those formats are too different in terms of what they expect from an audience and what they are able to give. That’s why I rarely see a movie if I’ve read the book. And vice versa.

Still, there are a few movies that have been just as good as the book: Alien and Blade Runner (Hm, maybe Ridley Scott should direct?) are two that come immediately to mind. And King’s books themselves tend to stand up well to the movie format. (See what I did there? Stand?)

And I was so blown away by LOTR—all three films—that I would love to see The Dark Tower done with that level of attention.


So, I am looking forward to seeing what will happen with this. Hopefully King will retain some creative control and we will see real actors cast in these roles and maybe the screenplay will be written by someone who’s actually read the book.

We can hope, at least.

Another FO!

And it’s for me! Ha!

Last night was supposed to be a finish-up-some-Christmas-projects-so-I-don’t-feel-like-there’s-too-much-pressure-even-though-there-are-now-only-about-100-days-left. But then, M said “Let’s go to Joann’s” and you know I can’t withstand that kind of coercion.

I had not even planned to look at the jewelry supplies. I thought I would just go and touch the yarn and maybe see if there was a sale on Bernat Mosaic (not that I need any more yarn). But then I realized that I need some 24 gauge bead wire, so I decided to just zip down the aisle for that.

And there was a 40% sale on beads, findings, and charms! Dammit!

Anyway, this charm has the Serenity Prayer on it, which my mom always loved. And my mom tended to be fairly serene most of the time. God knows I could use a little of that peacefulness these days. So to that end, and because it reminds me of Mom, I wanted to incorporate it into some jewelry.

I ended up knitting The Knitted Necklace from Deborah Gardner. I linked the pattern here, but you don’t really need one. It’s an I-cord with fasteners on the ends and the charm in the center. I used Lion Brand Incredible—just a scrap, like maybe 5 or 6 yards. I can’t remember what color this is. It’s coppery and blue and I thought it went well with the blouse I wore today.

I have a little more of this Incredible, left over from a purse I made a while back. I like the way this works with this blue so much, I think I might make a belt from it.

Patwoman Hearts Pompoms

Yes. Another FO. It's the I Heart Pompoms from Karen Borrel on Ravelry. And it's for me.

'Cause I heart pompoms.

I actually started this a while back, but I finished it up during last night's Colts game. Really, it was a matter of making pompoms and attaching them, but I just didn't get around to it until the hat had been in the knitting bag for weeks.



I added some extra length to the hat, because I wanted it a little slouchier. I think it was a good call. I think the slouchiness is a little edgier. Of course, that look is totally offset by the girly pompoms and pink color. I like that, too.

My Utter Effing Frustration!

Can it be that Patwoman has been outsmarted by a hat? Good God. Have you ever thrown your knitting across the room in frustration and rage? And then, when that doesn’t make you feel better, get up and go get the knitting so you can throw it again?

I have tried this balaclava a couple of different ways. I tried to reverse engineer one I saw—basically, the back part comes up over the head and is seamed to the side parts. Nope. Looks too blocky.

So then I ripped that back to the ears and knitted, treating it like a seaman’s watchcap, the first hat I learned to make. I thought the K2tog across decreases would keep there from being those sharp decrease lines you see in beanies. No. Too bunchy.


So I ripped that back and now I’m just going to default to the lined, beanie-style decrease. God damn it. This was such a clever thing that I was doing (not just a hat, but something really clever) and now it’s just turning out to be a lesson in frustration.

Where the hell is that knitting? Time for another flying lesson, hat!

Random Ranting

Because, I’ve got to do it somewhere. And if not here, then where?


I am really busy at work. Like hella busy. And, while I am my same old soft self on the outside, I’m starting to get a little crunchy on the inside.


Like, with the other people who get on the elevator with me. Is that rude? I just want to ride the elevator alone. I don’t want to be crunched into a corner. I don’t want someone else’s body heat on me. I don’t want to wait to punch in my floor while you fiddle with trying to remember your code. (It’s 5-4-5-6. We’ve all seen it so often we can do it ourselves, now. Why can’t you get it right the first time?)

Or like with people who have impromptu meetings in the hallway between the elevator banks. Yes, you’re special. We all see that. We can tell you're special because you are standing 5 people abreast so nobody can get past you.

I’m also finding myself irrationally angry at people for the strangest reasons. Dude. That mustache? Really? And Why would you drive a PT Cruiser, lady? And Why is so damn hot?

That’s not even mentioning the things that I am justifiably angry about. Like the jackass who drives the truck with kids or dogs or a crapload of trash that blows around in the back. None of those are safe, Jethro. I’m sorry you don’t have the sense to be frightened by your own stupid actions.


Or the people let their kids run wild in the parking lot at Walmart. Listen, I know you’ve got your hands full with these monkeys and it’s a tiring job to keep track of where they run to (especially as they are weaving in between and behind cars), but drivers can’t see them when they are backing up. If they are 50 feet in front of you, nobody knows they’re there. And Walmart? Walmart is the worst parking lot in the world to drive in, let alone walk in.

Or the True Blood season finale. WTF? I really haven’t researched this, but I’m wondering if there are different writers for Season 3 than there were for the first two seasons? The whole season was so-so (except Franklin, who is now my favorite character from the show even though he is dead and Russell, who really only got interesting when he was ripping out spines on national TV) but the finale was so less-than.

And it’s not because it’s different from the books. The books are awful. Just in terms of the writing. I’ve got no problem with the HBO show being different from the books. It’s that the finale was badly written. Some characters acted differently than they would/should have. Some story lines are dull. Some characters are dull. But the main thing is, there was no tension, nothing building, and nothing to keep me wondering all summer and anxious for Season 4.

I don’t know what would have saved it. But if I were writing it, I definitely would have ended the season with Bill throwing Eric into the cement—cut to black, cue credits/music. Think about that for the next 3 months! (Alan Ball, call me. We’ll talk.)

Cue Opening Music...

In the criminal justice system, fashion crimes are particularly heinous. The woman who investigates these crimes is a member of an elite squad, the Special VIPs Unit. This is her Christmas present.

It's for M, who is addicted to Law & Order SVU. It's from Craftzine, knitted in I Love This Yarn in Yellow (about 6 oz) and Black (about 1.5 oz). Took a while to knit, and a while to stitch up the side. I used mattress stitch, because I like the look a lot better than just whipstitching. (Though that probably would have been quicker.)

Ran a quick steamy iron over it (well, it was covered by a towel so it wouldn't melt) to block. Now it waits in the Christmas FO bin.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

I Have A Voice!

And so the search to find a suitable stunt double for my voice ends somewhat unfruitfully.


I was getting a little worried, I can tell you. (And no doubt, my family and friends missed having my sage wisdom and humor on tap, too.) A week and a half, basically, with no voice is has driven me quite insane, I tell you. Ahahahahaha! no picnic for Patwoman. I was getting a little… let’s say frustrated, okay? That’s a good word.



M: What’s that?
Patwoman: (nothing above a whisper)
R: What?
Patwoman: (again)
M: Are you even talking?
Patwoman: (angry whisper)
R: If you want us to do something, Mom, just say so.

I hope they are paying their dues to the Comedians’ Union.

It was T who suggested recasting The Voice of Patwoman. It had been done before, he said, and with great success. (In Lord of The Rings, for example, Sauron had temporarily lost his voice due to allergies and hired a temp… The Mouth of Sauron.)

But, for those of you who don’t know, I am told I have a rather unique voice. I rarely have to identify myself on the phone with family or friends, no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked. Good or ill, I’m apparently one of a kind.


So, not just anyone can be The Voice of Patwoman. It takes someone with what the French call, I Don’t Know What. I’m groovin’ on Seth MacFarlane or Billy West, just for the range. James Earl Jones threw his hat into the ring a little late in the game, but you know I’ve got to seriously consider Darth Vader.

It’s all academic now, however, as I can speak for myself. And, as my mama used to say “Patwoman started talking at 9 months and hasn’t shut up since.”