Merry Christmas At Work

Every year my building puts out a huge Christmas display that spans the entire front lobby--a full city block long. Now this building management company manages a lot of Indianapolis' buildings. They also manage the building my company's district office is in, and the building my last job was in. I was at that company for 6 years and this one for almost 6 and in all that time, I've not seen the same decorations twice. So they obviously have a lot of them.

And some of them are pretty old vintage, you can tell. If you look closely, you can see the varnish has tiny cracks and the colors have that faded look that old hand-colored photos have.

You might think that would make them nostalgicly appealling. I thought so, too. At first.But then, as I started to look at these things, I realized how strange they really are.

Like this:A scene from NBC's Dateline: To Catch a Predator. You can't see him in this pic, but Santa is standing at the window in his nightshirt. Looking out for Chris Hansen, I assume.

Or this: Tiny old men with do-rags and axes.

And seriously. What the hell is going on here?

No Black Friday For Me

I worked retail enough to last me a lifetime. Plus, I'm always astounded by the logic--Thanksgiving dinner is over and suddenly you have to make a frenzied assault on the mall (on the worst day to be at the mall all year)to buy all your Christmas presents in one day? Dude, don't you still have a month?

Whatever. No force on Earth would persuade me to go to the mall on Black Friday, including a court order.

I did go to a place or two today with M and Eric. Picked up some 29 cent novelty yarn at Christmas Tree Shop.

Hey, come on. It was 29 cents.

Patwoman's Job Hunting Tips

Oh, Dear Friends. I hope you are still not out of work. If you are, I hope you are reading these tips seriously. I know. This is sometimes a very funny monthly posting, but I have to think that some people don't know this stuff because I still have people show up for an interview with their baby, or tell me they will take my job offer "until something better comes along," or answer their cell phones during the interview.

Seriously. There is enough of this happening that I feel I have to keep advising on the matter.

This month, let's talk about your resume. I want you to think of your resume as an advertisement for you. It tells me all the reasons why I want to talk to you about a job. Now I'm going to tell you a recruiter secret here. This is completely honest, uncut and uncensored insider information here. Are you ready?

I will spend about 15 seconds looking at your resume on the first pass.

It's true. On the first pass, I'm looking for key words to stand out. For an administrative assistant, for instance, those words might be "Outlook calendaring," "Meeting logistics," "PowerPoint presentations," or "Web conferencing." Administrative duties vary from place to place, so just saying you performed administrative duties doesn't really tell me much of anything.

At some companies, that's "answer the phone and make coffee" at others, it's "run payroll," and at others, the Administrative Assistant may make some high level decisions in the place of his/her manager and be privy to the company's most confidential dealings.

So, list what you did on the job. And here's another tip: bullet points read easier than paragraphs, so bullet points are more likely to get read. There should be at least three bullets under each job. If you can't think of three things you did on your last job, you need to be thinking a little harder. It's one of the first things a recruiter will ask you about.

Check your spelling. I'm going to say this again because it's a pet peeve of mine: Check your spelling. Anyone know how many spelling errors should be on your resume?

Zero. That's how many.

And don't rely on Spellcheck, either. Spellcheck will not warn you when you say you operated a heat press machine that team blocked cats, even if you meant the machine steam blocked hats. Spellcheck is either stupid or evil. I haven't figured out which.

So check your resume for spelling. Especially if you are using the phrase "detail oriented" to describe yourself anywhere on your resume. I have never seen a resume that listed "detail oriented," which didn't also have at least one spelling error. If you have a spelling mistake on your resume, you know what you are clearly not?

That's right.

Here are some other things I don't need to see on your resume:

-Your age, marital status, number of children, religion, or hobbies.

-The reason you left a previous job. (I will ask about it in the interview.) But particularly if you are going to lie to me. For example, if you are a cashier and it is not January when you leave, you probably didn't get laid off. I'm highly familiar with the retail world. Non-seasonal cashiers do not get laid off. They get fired.

Here's a good rule of thumb: if someone else has your old job, you didn't get laid off. You got fired. Or, look at it this way, if you are not welcome to go back to the same company and work in the same job, you got fired. Not laid off.

-How artistic you are. So, one font for the whole resume. And something normal, like Times New Roman, Arial, Calibri. Never anything that looks like calligraphy, dot matrix printout, gothic script, or letters made of cats. (All true stories.) One text color for your whole resume--black. Remember the 15 second thing? It takes me less than a second to toss a resume written with pink ink. Zero watermarks or background graphics.

Your goal is for me to put your resume in my "further review" stack. Those are the ones I take a longer, more considered look at. You want your resume to stand out for good reason. Like, you have the qualifications I'm looking for. Like, you've done similar work or have transferable experience. Like you understand the job you are applying for.

You do not want your resume to get my attention because it's weird. Don't be weird in the interview, either. (As I've said repeatedly.) You can be weird later.

Once you have the job.

Happy Thanksgiving

Not Humbuggin'. Just Busy

I have no Christmas decorations up and I'll tell you why: Because I'm not done with Thanksgiving yet. I've not even started Thanksgiving.

Let's do one holiday at a time, ok?

My neighbors--most of whom are older--all have their holiday lights and decorations out. These are the same people, btw, who cut their grass in that criss-cross pattern five days a week in the summer. That is, I'm pretty sure, more often than most golf courses. They're all looking at my darkened house and comparing it to their own lights, Santas, creches, deer, and snowmen.

"Why aren't your Christmas lights up yet, Patwoman?"

Uh, same reason I don't get up at 4 am to go to the grocery store. I'm not retired bored and looking for something to do.


Just wait. As soon as Thanksgiving is over, I will put out so many holiday decorations, they will be begging me to throttle back.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, anyone?

Friday UFOs

No pictures until after Christmas. How many more knitting days until Christmas?

Ugh.

Sharon's Stocking

Christmas is coming and you know this year we have an addition to our clan--R's fiance, Sharon. This will be her first Christmas morning with us, so of course, she must have a stocking.

Sharon likes green and sparkly, which is pretty convenient because there are always some pretty cool sparkly greens around this time of year. So this is Red Heart Christmas Glitter in Green. It's a two needle stocking because it's just quicker that way. I used #5's and made it all one color. Here's what it looks like right now.

I will be adding some white fun fur at the top and possibly some jingle bells.

Disaster!!!

!@@$$#%^&*#@!!

You know it's bad when I use the top row of the keyboard instead of the actual swear words!

I killed my iPhone.

You know how much I love that thing. I take it everywhere with me. I use it for everything. Everything. What did I do before I had it, when I had a question about where Patagonia is in the world? Or what genus racoons belong to? Or what football team did Warren Beatty's character play for in Heaven Can Wait? How did I listen to music or books or surf the web while standing in line at Subway? How did I watch episodes of Supernatural during my lunch hour?

And I killed her! Accidentally, of course. But it was my hand hand that dropped her in the water.

Fortunately, I was able to get the same model from the iPhone store and downloaded all my info onto it. So it looks the same. And has all the phone's memories. So even thought it's not the same phone, I think I'll be able to pretend that it is.

I'm calling it Cherry 2000.

Craft Fair Season!

It's Craft Fair Season! I usually hit the CGHS fair (the largest in this area), the PMHS fair, and the Mt. Olive event (the first).

I missed the Mt. Olive Fair, but the CGHS Fair was last weekend and M and I had a great time. I bought our holiday cloth napkins (a Christmas tradition). We saw a lot of the standard craft fair things, nothing new and improved. But it was still fun.

Today was PMHS. It's also a large event. Sharon joined M and I this time.

I was tempted to purchase a couple of robots from the Robotics Club booth, but 1)they were only reselling the HEX robots they had purchased. These weren't robots built by the Robotics Club. So I felt it diluted the purpose of a craft fair. 2) They weren't selling the kind of robots I like.

Eleventy-Leven Foreboding

I don't know if you're into numerology, if you think certain numbers have certain meanings or whatever. Too much math for me, I say. But I do think it's mildly interesting when there is a pattern to the numbers, like 11-11-11.

As far as whether that's a good sign or a bad sign, I don't know. But look what happened!

Or maybe that's just an example of why you can't put 300 stitches on an 18" cable needle.

Friday UFO

Okay, they're all UFO's at this point, aren't they? Do you realize how few knitting days are left until Christmas? Yeah, that's right. Not very damn many.

And so far, I have completed only T's pressie. The rest are UFOs to some degree. Which I can't share with you right now because they are top secret. And despite the fact that I keep telling them they'll be sorry if they do, my kids do read this blog from time to time. So if I were to post pix of their Christmas presents, I'd also have to post some sort of deterrant first:

Last night I dreamed I was swimming through a long, narrow tunnel, dragging a giant tree behind me. My heart was pounding as I pulled hard at the wood, trying to force it through the tunnel...

Had enough kids? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Yes, I Had Another Birthday

You might have caught that in yesterday's post. (As if you didn't already have October 18 marked on your calendar.) Yes, I had a birthday last month. The trip to meet Adam West on the 22nd was T's present to me.



But I also got other presents, some of which were knitting/fiber related. Like this one. M was very kind to pint out a few things she would like from this book.


And this one. What clever little things. These are definitely on my to-do list. You know, of course, that I crochet some. But amigarumi are something I have wanted to try for a while now. And the cute-creepy factor appeals to me, too. Cute-creepy is exactly what I would crochet. And penises. But there aren't any in this book.
I could probably create a pattern for one, once I get the technique down. But I'm pretty sure someone else has probably already done that. I mean, why wouldn't they?


I also got a Dean Koontz hardback because he's my fave. And I always get him in hardback, even though I love my Kindle. And I got some Red Hot Chili Peppers tunage. Because, dammit! I need more cowbell in my life!

On Heroes And Hats

I must tell you this, Gentle Reader. It actually happened over a week ago, but I've been trying to put my thoughts into cohesive sentences since then. I think I'm just gonna let a picture speak a thousand words:

That's right. That's my two leading men, T and AW. And your old friend, Patwoman, grinning like a mental institution escapee next to Adam. Ha!

First, let me say, he was very nice. He called me "dear" several times. (And, luckily, he didn't mention any of our past adventures to T.) Second, (I caution you, this may get a little weird...) he was wearing a cuddly sweater. Seriously. I brushed against it as we were getting into place on the photographer's mark and I thought "Mmm. Cashmere."

This was a great trip, I have to say. A wonderful birthday present from T--Comicon Mid-Ohio. We stayed in the same hotel as all the celebs, btw, but I didn't see any of them until we actually went to the Con.

Not that I didn't try.

Understand: I am, deep down, a hick. I know you all think I'm smooth and cool and rapier-sharp, but some people just turn me stupid. Like, I-like-eggs-duh stupid. Celebs, mainly. But I could get that way with a good-looking shirtless guy with rock-hard abs, I'm pretty sure.

So, as T was checking in to the hotel, I was scanning the lobby for familiar faces. (None.) And when we went to breakfast at the hotel restaurant, I kept my eyes open for You Know Who. Then our waiter, noticing my Bat-shirt, informed me that my beloved Adam had just vacated the table next to us only minutes before we arrived.

Holy disappointment, Patwoman!

But, have no fear, Gentle Reader. I did get the chance to talk to The Batster (after standing in a crazy long line)! There was a sign that said No Pictures, but you know how I am about following the rules when they get in my way.


Here he is with the lovely hat I knitted for him. I was so happy with this hat. I fussed with it forever (you know that) to make sure it was perfect. Sigh, Gentle Reader, I have probably not knit a more evenly stitched hat in my life. And it was so clever, with its little bat-ears. Sadly, he didn't try it on right then.

He said, "Thank you, dear. It will be cold tonight and I will wear it." I think he was actually a little thrown that I gave him something. Or maybe he was just a little afraid of my incoherent babbling. I don't even know what I said. Odds are, it was something I-like-eggs-duh stupid.

T's advice, btw, before we went to this con was "The more you say, the crazier you're gonna sound." And well, I probably talked a lot. Yep. A lot. Grabbed his hand to shake it (again, probably threw him off because he was up on this raised platform booth with a table between us and I, being only 5 feet tall, had to step up onto the platform and reach pretty far over the table to execute a proper handshake) and held onto his hand while I spewed about seventeen diferent kinds of fan-girl adoration.

How embarassing. Oh well. I keep telling myself I'm probably not the weirdest fan he's come across over the years.

Probably.

I-like-eggs-duh.

On Debilitating Illness

Where have you been, Patwoman? I hear you say as you shine the Pat-signal into the night.

And the answer is, I have been up and I have been down, but now I'm back with you again. In case you can't tell, I'm still slightly loopy. I've been sick all week. The kind of sick where, on Monday, you say "It's just allergies" and you blow you nose 1600 times, much to the disgust of all your co-workers who look at you as if you are maliciously spreading ebola virus onto their own person work surfaces (which you are not, becasuse you always use a tissue)!

The kind of sick where on Tuesday, your voice is pretty much gone, but you say "It's just allergies" because you don't want to admit you're starting to feel really bad. And really, your co-workers have so little contact with you now you might as well be at work where you can at least get some stuff done, as oppposed to being at home and having to work through the extranet, which is almost dial-up slow.

The kind of sick where on Wednesday, you realize you're actually getting worse, but you still go to work because 1) Your boss is on vaca and there's nobody else and 2) you've already committed to the "it's my allergies" thing.

It's the kind of sick where Thursday through Saturday are a half-remembered dream--a terrible, terrible dream in which you have to make a choice between breathing (taking the cold medicine) and sleeping (not taking it). Not to mention the two days of eye-twitching that are gonna come as a side effect of the drugs.

Anyway, long story short (see what I did there? I made it seem as if I had actually been brief in the telling. Ha!) I just haven't felt well enought to write.

Forgive me, Gentle Reader. I've missed you as much as you've missed me.