Been Working So Hard...

...all week. Just hellabusy lately. Which is a good thing, believe me.

And then, today, the pre-release of WorldWake at the store. Spent all day there. Feet hurt. Back hurt. Probably suffered permanent hearing loss... Ha!

So I decided to reward myself. Bought a couple of skeins of Patons Classic Wool, that will become a felted purse. (This time I'm planning to make a purse.) And a couple of skeins of Red Heart Collage, which is just a really pretty yarn. Don't know what I will do with that yet, but I just liked it.

I looked at some other things while I was out... some shadow boxes, beads, and some air dry clay. I want to do something. Just not sure what.

Friday Night Rant

I hate dumbasses.

Don't get me wrong. Stupid people are okay. As long as they are amusing, of course. But dumbasses... Oh, don't get me started.

So it's Friday and T and I go to Don Pablos for dinner. We're sitting at our booth, enjoying some conversation and chips and salsa, and everything is fine. Until I start noticing the dumbasses about 10 feet away.

They have a baby, and the baby is in the high chair at the end of the table. But, they don't put the seat belt on the baby, so he keeps standing up and dancing around and reaching across the table and grabbing stuff. (And let me say here, I don't think the baby is a dumbass. The baby was being a baby. His dumbass parents just weren't watching him.)

I know you're worried, so I'm just gonna say right now that this baby wasn't injured from what I saw. But I'm surprised by that.

Anyway, after a while, the server comes with their food--sizzling fajitas and something else--and warns the adults "Watch out. These plates are hot." But he sets the little table thing with the tray on top, which is covered in hot plates and sizzling fajitas RIGHT NEXT TO THE BABY. Seriously. It's like, 6 inches out of his non-leaning reach. And remember this baby has been reaching across the table all night. And then the server picks up those hot dishes and serves them across the table--not from beside the baby, because that would mean he would have to take a step to the left or the right--but OVER THE BABY'S HEAD. And remember this baby has been standing up in the chair all night.

And neither the dumbass server or the dumbass parents see anything wrong with this. It apparently doesn't occur to the server, whoa, I can't take a chance on burning this baby. And it apparently doesn't occur to the parents whoa, my baby could get burned.

But wait. There's more.

Baby is antsy and bored at the table. Again, just being a baby. So mom gets up to entertain baby while dad eats. Hey, been there; done that. But--and here's where we differ--mom entertains baby by walking up and down the row of tables, grabbing his arms and swinging him up and down the aisle. Not that little swinging thing you do with kids when you walk with them. No. Like swinging him up right next to the heads of the people who are eating at those tables. "Whoooooo!"

Then, dad is done and it's mom's turn to eat. So dad decides baby would like to hold one of the colored light bulbs that are hanging over the tables (and are probably hot, since they're on). He lifts baby up, up, up as far as he can and baby reaches... and is still about 3 inches short of the light bulbs. So dad thinks "I'll just give him a little toss." And keeps tossing him. Fortunately mom finishes before dad drops the baby or baby grabs an electric light.

But what gets me is that nobody said anything. Management. Wait staff. Guests. Dumbasses.

And yeah. I should've said something too. So maybe I'm a little bit of a dumbass myself.

A Peek Inside My Workday

I know many of you are saying to yourself, Patwoman leads such an interesting life. I wish I could get even a tiny glance into her day-to-day. Of course, I feel sorry for you, poor bastards, that you think my day-to-day is exciting. It gives me shuddering chills at how dull your own lives must be.

But, since you are interested, here is my workday in pictures:

On my way in to the building, I pass the little area downstairs where the building management has put up some display of something or another. This one is artist-painted patio chairs to be auctioned off for Chairity. (Seriously. It's chair-ity.) Remember the Christmas display? Yeah. Just like that, this one has a Do Not Touch sign on it. You know what that does to me.

I also pass this fish tank set into the wall. It's actually very pretty and the fish are very colorful. I'd like to spend time watching it sometime, but you can't get too close because it stinks most of the time.

Once upstairs, I spend most of my day in front of the computer. It's called multitasking. I talk on the phone, review resumes, do paperwork, participate in conference calls, etc. in front of the computer.

I throw a lot of paper away. Makes me feel a little guilty. Like I should recycle it or something. We do have a bottle/can recycle bin, though. So that's a good thing, at least.


My office is pretty freakin' cold, too. The cheapass building managment has these covers bolted on over the thermostats so you can't crank up the heat, even if your teeth are chattering. (That fish tank smells like it's gotten plenty warm, though.)

And people come in for interviews. You will have to use your imagination here. I haven't taken any job seekers' pictures. I think it would be a little weird and probably illegal.

The day progresses, and about 4:35, I go here. Long drive home, you know.

Pass the cones on the way out. This one warns against a slippery floor. But another one about 10 feet away says Bathroom Is Closed. I think there may be a connection.

In the parking garage. Did I park on 3 or 5?

Then, it's driving, and about 25 minutes of nonstop swearing until I pull in the driveway.

Cocoon Me!

I like to pick up the old Speed Stix from time to time. I don't know. For some strange reason, I just like the way they feel in my hand. Big ol' size 50s, all hard and smooth...

But, I digress.


This is the Cocoon Shrug from Lion Brand.I didn't think much of the original pattern. It looked a little plain, a little unfinished. But I decided to try it using a combination of yarns. So this is Moda Dea Dream in Black, some black Wool
Ease, and Yarn Bee Aurora in Night Glow. Held all three together and knitted this up in two nights.

I'm not sure about it now that I've knitted it, though. It's a good pattern, very easy, very simple to understand. But I think my yarn choices are maybe a little bolder than my actual personality.

This is almost like 80's bold.


I'm thinking of edging this in a solid black, maybe tone it down a bit, pull it all together. I dunno. I will say, though. This thing is pretty warm. You wouldn't think so, with all these giant stitches, but it is. I'm thinking I may do this in a solid color.

What do you think?

Happy Monday!

Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once. Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope. And you've got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception.

COLTS WIN!!!

AFC Champions! Did I watch? Oh yes. So excited. Think I need to take a pill or something. Ha!

Ever Just Keep Knitting When You Know You Should Stop?

Here's a tip: If the stitches are so tight it hurts your hands to knit them, they're probably not going to felt much.

See, I know that. I even had that thought as I knitted: "Oh wow. These stitches are really tight. Maybe I should frog this and go with a different gauge? Maybe I should use one strand of wool instead of two?" And yet...

My plan was to make a hat. A nice black hat that I could put my bobcat pin on. Oh, I'd look so sassy, struttin' around in my black bobcat hat! So I just ignored that inner voice that told me to start over. Especially after I'd knitted a couple of inches. And when I finished, it looked pretty much the way you'd expect a felted hat to look, pre-felted.

Then I tried to felt it. And tried. And tried.



Okay. It did felt. It actually felted a lot. Just not enough. Here it is, back on the lovely Notpatwoman's head. As you can see... Not so sassy.




But Katie had a great idea. Just turn it upside down and put handles on it and viola! Purse. So these are some nice Purse-n-alize-it! handles from Joann. And I still got to use my sassy bobcat.



Close up of the bobcat. Grr. Get away from my purse!

I Had No Idea

Did you? I'm reading this story about counterfeit condoms. I had no idea there was such a thing. I mean, I know China has long made the knockoff version of textiles, toys, and electronics, but condoms?

Seriously?

Oh, and they're recycling the condoms at one factory. They use the used rubber to make hair ties. So you could, in all practicality, hold a hair tie in your mouth while you were braiding your hair and end up with genital warts! Now, I'm as green as the next person, but GROSS!

I don't know about you, but after the tainted milk, tainted pet food, tainted crayons, tainted toys, etc. that have come from China in the last few years, I would be highly unlikely to put anything China made... down there.

Fecal Free Diet

I don't get ice in my soft drinks any more. It's not that I don't like a cold Dr. Pepper. Au contrere. I do. I just don't like to drink toilet water.

Have you seen these stories? They're all over. Just google fecal matter in ice machines or soft drinks toilet water or poop pathogens in soda. Any combo of shit and ice, really, will get you to one of those articles. They all talk about how studies have shown that about half the soda fountains they tested had contaminated ice. How contaminated? Like, more bacteria than toilet water.

Ew.

You gotta wonder:

1. Why are people not washing their hands after they poo? That's where that bacteria comes from, folks. It didn't just magically and mysteriously appear there. That's poo on your hands.

2. Is this why we see so many cases of food borne illness? Come on. Wash your hands after you go.

3. Don't all the restaurant bathrooms have those signs? Employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Surely people don't think that only applies to employees. Why are people not washing their hands?

4. If there's poo in the ice, what else is there poo in? Try not to think about that one too much. Unless you're on a diet.


5. Didn't all our mothers and kindergarten teachers ask after every trip to the bathroom... Did you wash your hands? Don't people know not washing your hands after a trip to the bathroom is... nasty?

And don't talk to me about hand sanitizer. That's not the same and you know it.

Colorblock Scarf

Ravelry is great. You can always find something to do on Ravelry. I don't think it will come as a surprise to you that I have over 200 projects in my queue. Probably not a surprise that I belong to some 30 groups. Didn't think so.

Anyway, one of the groups I belong to is basically a KAL for this Colorblock Scarf. The pattern is: (and don't worry, there's no copyright infringement here. It's not a pattern pattern.)

Cast on any number of stitches on any needles using any yarn. Knit each row (garter stitch) for 1 to 10 garter ridges, join a new color. The trick is, you can only use each color once.

This is a pretty mindless knit; I've been doing this watching TV here and there. Which is really helping the randomness of color blocks, since every now and then I look down and go "Oh. Time to change color." So some blocks are 10 ridges, some are 4... you know.

Copperhands

That's right. Not creative enough to come up with a cool name like the Copperhead Hat or the Copper Dragon Scarf. But these goes with that set, anyway. Same Tangerine Mist Copper yarn, a similar pattern.


These are the Waffle Stitch Fingerless Gloves, by Jill Toporkiewicz. Used half a skein, knit most of these during the Colts game Saturday. Go Colts! Seamed one on Sunday and one last night. (I can't help it. I'm just really slow about getting around to the finishing.)

It's not the same pattern as the dragon scale, but it looks similar enough in the same yarn to be a good match. I thought about adapting the pattern and making these full-on mittens, but decided to go as written--for simplicity and because I hate having to take off my gloves to dig out the key card for the parking garage, or to answer the cell phone, or to find my stereo faceplate in my purse.

Happy Monday

I hate broccoli, and yet, in a certain sense, I am broccoli.

It's Called "Super Stress"

I’ve been playing a lot of time management games lately. Hot Dog Bush, Zombie Burger, Wedding Dash, Farm Frenzy, Cake Mania (1, 2, and 3), Pizza Pronto, The Great Chocolate Chase… Anyway, these games all have these two things in common: you have to remember a particular sequence of how things are put together or ordered and the game gets faster and faster as you go. I play these things like a disease.

So T says to me, “Why do you play those? That’s everything you hate.” And it is. You know I’ve told you what a terrible waitress I was, and about my nightmares about not getting orders taken fast enough, not getting people seated, not turning my orders in to the kitchen, having the orders pile up waiting to be taken to tables, and getting locked in the walk-in cooler. Let me emphasize that none of these things ever happened to me during the short time I was an actual waitress, at age 14. I just always worried that they would.

But that’s the inevitable outcome of all of these games… You will get overwhelmed and fail. And I have no excuse for liking them. Maybe it’s self-abuse? Maybe deep down, I feel like I’m too full of myself and I have to knock myself down a peg? Or—and this is the most likely--I’m just a stress junkie. Maybe I like that feeling of constantly being right on the edge?

T says he has heard about something called “superstress.” All the info my friend Google found about superstress was basically advertising a self-help book. But I did find one article that had a little “stress test,” which I took. Basically if your total score for the 20 questions (each worth up to 3 points) is 12 or more, you have superstress.

I scored 43.

Then, of course, you can categorize your superstress so that you know what kind of superstress you have. I already know. You probably do, too. But I checked anyway. My superstress type is Explosive, Can’t Slow Down (perfectionist, no tolerance for mistakes—especially my own—keeps everything going ultrafast, tries to do too much, lives on caffeine).

Surprise!

Actually, lately I feel like I am less stressed than ever. I feel pretty zen, actually. And I feel like I am getting more done. Curiously, the article mentions that feeling as a symptom of superstress. And the treatment they suggest… get this… begins with cutting down on the caffeine. Ha!

Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

But I have to feel like I am doing something, right? So my good friend Google and I searched until we found this article. Knitting relieves stress. So there. Now I feel better.

Patwoman’s Job Hunting Tips

It’s been a while, so some of you may have forgotten all the advice I’ve previously given you. (This is not a complete list, btw. Things that I’ve told you in the past like Don’t pick your nose/ears/teeth in the interview and Don’t come to my office reeking of pot and Do wear shoes, not flip flops all still hold true. These are simply more tips for you to utilize in your job search.)

1. Know what job you are applying for. If I have posted an ad for a Warehouse Clerk, your objective statement should not say “To obtain an IT position at a major electronics company.” Since I am not looking for an IT guy and I am not recruiting for a major electronics company, I say… Good luck in your job search, dude.

While we are talking about objective statements, let me just say I think they do nothing but take up room on a resume. I know you want to work for a company that values you. I know that you want to use your knowledge and experience. I know that you want to work in a stable environment. Do you think anybody’s objective statement ever says “To work in an uncertain environment, for a company that treats me like crap, with no opportunity for advancement and in a position which doesn’t relate in any way to what I’ve done before.”? Seriously?

2. Don’t apply for jobs that you are ridiculously unqualified for. I’ve listed the job requirements in the ad. If it says experience with Access is required, then experience with Access is required. If it says three years experience in a financial industry is required… Well you know. It’s not enough to have worked as a line cook at Burger King and dream of being a Financial Advisor. You need to have experience doing the actual job.

Could you learn it? Could you be a good Financial Advisor with the proper training and mentoring? I don’t know. Maybe. But you have no experience. But let me say this. If you are working at Burger King and want to move into a financial field, why not start with an entry level position where you could gain some experience and possibly move up in a few years? You wouldn’t decide on Tuesday to become a doctor and then apply to become Chief of Staff at Cedars Sinai on Wednesday, right?

3. I’ve said this before, but obviously some of you didn’t listen: Spelling. Come on, people. At least spell the name of your previous employers correctly. I know it seems like a preposterously high expectation, but if you worked there for two years, you ought to be able to spell the company name. And run the spell check, for crap’s sake. But don’t rely solely on spell check. Spell check can’t tell the different between hat and cat, okay?

Hm. Unless the resume I got this week was from a candidate who had actually steam blocked cats at Von Maur. Then, I stand corrected.

4. And, once again… Do not correct me on the proper way to say my name. I’m serious about that one.

No More Red Meat?

So you know the goal is to eat healthy and bring this skyrocketing cholesterol back under control, right? Really, the goal is to go (at least) from shiteous to ohmygod. To that end, we have been eating red meat only once a week. And let me just say how hard that is. Because I love red meat.

But I like to keep up on all the things I can be a hypochondriac about the latest health issues, and so I was reading an article online about how new studies are showing that eating red meat even once a week can be linked to some serious things, like butt cancer.

What a choice.

Well, of course, I certainly don’t want butt cancer. But I reeee-hee-hee-eally look forward to that one time of week when I have red meat. I mean, there’s a system of denial/reward with this diet that makes that one day a week all that much sweeter. And juicier. And… Huh? What? Where was I?

Oh yeah. Right. The fear of butt cancer.

So I guess that means—as much as it kills me to do it—I will have to cut back even more. That makes me sad. And angry, too. I mean, I’m pretty mad at cows right now. I feel like they have to assume some of the responsibility for my high cholesterol. Really. If I am not supposed to eat them, then why are they so effing delicious?

Clocks, Cats, And Sweet, Sweet Revenge

So, did you know the Doomsday Clock is an actual clock? I always thought it was a metaphor. (What’s a metaphor? It’s for the cows to graze in. But seriously, folks…) Okay, yes, it’s a metaphor, but it’s also a clock you can see.

I just learned that.

And today, at 10:00 am EST, the New York Academy of Sciences is going to make an announcement and you can actually see whether the hands of the clock go forward or back. We’re at five minutes until midnight, btw, right now.

Not that I believe that. We all know, according to Gene Roddenberry, the Earth will make contact with others outside of our galaxy in 2060, and this will initiate a period of peace and prosperity, in which friendly aliens share knowledge and technology with us and basically mentor us into a greater society. So, I doubt we’re any closer to midnight. We all know TV never lies.

Speaking of TV, I have been watching the Life After People series on the History Channel. It’s interesting, if a tad sensational. I’d like to know, for instance, why a major city like Chicago is basically burned to the ground within a week of people being gone. And why are there so many tidal waves and earthquakes right after the people disappear? It’s not like humans have any effect on that.

Anyway, the other night’s episode touched on the Vatican. Apparently, only a week after all the people on earth are gone (as wolves attack flocks of sheep elsewhere in the world and zoo animals everywhere all escape for some reason…makes you wonder why they don’t do that now, if it only takes them a week to figure out the locking mechanisms, hm?) the Vatican is going to be overrun with black cats.

What irony, considering how the Church has treated felines in the past. Pope Innocent VIII actually outlawed black cats, convinced they were demonic minions. The Inquisition often burned cats with their owners. (Apparently, if they cry out while they are being burned, they're demonic.) And Vatican City sanctioned several cat-kills over the centuries.

I imagine the cats, with the patience of the ages, just sitting back and biding their time, waiting for the humans to destroy themselves so they can take over. And, when all the humans have mysteriously left the earth, the very first place the Cat Consortium turns to is…? Mm. Hm. That’s right. That’s what you get.

Oh, sweet justice.

Another Hat

It’s the His Hat from Marnie MacLean. Made it for T. Look at him, trying to be all badass. (Or, as R & M like to say, ba-dad-ass.) Just like a gansta. Seriously, we tried to take this picture a bunch of times, but his lizard inner eyelid kept shutting every time I clicked the button. Finally, I told him, "Look over there."

Anyway, this is one skein of Patons Shetland Chunky Tweeds in Charcoal. I used #9 needles. Knocked it out pretty quickly. This is a good hat for guys. It’s plain—which seems to be the prerequisite—but it has some nice top decreases going on to keep the knitter’s interest.
Because you know we’re easily… ooh shiny!

Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan

So you know about R’s zombie survival car, right? He’s got everything all ready to rebuild civilization, right there in his trunk. (I think maybe he watched Army of Darkness one too many times. I keep telling him, Ash is not a role model.) But, it’s always been my plan, in the case of Zombie Armageddon, to find R and stick with him, since he has all these things and a method of escaping the city, all in one place.

But then I watched him play Left 4 Dead on the Xbox. Aptly titled, that. Because R will run into a herd swarm plague of zombies, armed only with a handgun, and leave the rest of the group behind to follow or die. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t like my odds in either situation. I think I’d much rather ally myself with someone whose plan was to get the hell away from the frickin’ zombies.

I’ve decided to take his car.

Happy Monday!

I'm about to write you a reality check. Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?

Copperhead/Copper Dragon

I’ve been something of a slacker with my knitting since the mad Christmas rush is over. I don’t know. Without the mind numbing terror of not finishing on time sense of urgency of a holiday deadline, I seem to be knitting slower.

Anyway. I had gotten this hat pattern before Christmas, thinking if I finished Christmas knitting in time, I would make it for myself. Ha! At least I’m half right.

Made it for me.

(Although, that doesn’t mean M won’t abscond with it at some point. Jeez! I literally just found my black sweater, which she swears she didn’t have but that mysteriously appeared a few days after her cleaning out her closet. I realize that’s all circumstantial evidence, but Perry Mason isn’t here, am I right? I know what happened to my favorite black sweater, even if there is no definitive proof.)

So this is the Knotty Beret, by Ninja Eema. Called so, I believe, because of the knot on the top. (Although, if you just say it out loud, it sounds like Naughty Beret, and that could be quite interesting, indeed!) Ninja Eema recommends Wool-Ease or Vanna’s Choice, and of course I have that. This is Vanna’s Choice (Which, btw, is a very nice yarn and unless you are the most devout of yarn snobs, I’m sure you will be happy with it. And a vast array of colors. You know I am notorious for shutting scarves in car doors or dropping hats and gloves in parking lots, so this is perfect because it is washable.) The color is Tangerine Mist, but I think it’s a little more coppery. Hence my renaming of the hat. I used a little less than one skein. Used #5 circs, which is to pattern... unusual for me.

I also loved the bumpy pattern of the Dragon Scale Keyhole Scarf, by Holly Klein. She used a handpainted yarn and I may do another with some blue/green yarn I picked up at the Hoosier Hills Yarn Festival this summer, but this time, I just couldn’t resist the play on words!

So this is my Copper Dragon Scarf, with the same Tangerine Copper yarn as the scarf. Took three full skeins and the bit that was left over from the hat. I adjusted this pattern a bit, since I didn’t really want a scarf as wide as the original. I’ve cast on fewer stitches, without altering the pattern much. The pattern called for #7s, and I used #6s.

I like this little slit, which will allow me to snug the scarf up against my neck because you know what a wimp I am when it comes to the cold. But I won’t have to deal with that big wad of scarf you get when you knot it or wrap it around your neck multiple times.

These are finished in a timely manner, since it is effin’ cold here!

Hating On...

People who cough without covering their mouths. Seriously. Never mind all the mucous you're spraying all over me and everyone else. You'd think you'd want a tissue there to catch your lung when it comes flying out.

If I wake up sick tomorrow, I'm going to be so pissed.

Not Knitting

But I did get these great beads from M for Christmas. Put together lots of things.

It’s fun, I think, to just put together the beads in different combinations. I spent a couple of hours this past Sunday, just quietly making jewelry (well, not really quietly, because you know I swear pretty much constantly while doing it). The swearing, of course, is not an indication of my level of enjoyment. You know I often swear while knitting, too.

No, I think of swearing as just another creative outlet. It is, really, an art form. I’m pretty good at it, I must say. I’m not just peppering my conversation with damn its and shits. It always makes me laugh when people swear like that. There's no poetry.

Amateurs.

You fucktarded piece of malformed disease. And, You sphincter-breathed son of a pimple licking whore. And, You giant, oozing ball sack of rancid pus. See? There’s a certain elegance there that you don’t see in ordinary swearing.

I would totally be a great Bat-villain.

Now, excuse me. I have to go chew some Orbit gum.

Snow Day. Kinda.

Well, well, well. So the snow was coming down hard, but I still went into work. Hey, I lived for a long time in the Great Lakes Region, where it snows 12" a pop. There was only an inch and a half on the ground this morning. I don't even shovel the driveway for and inch and a half.

But, it did get worse pretty rapidly, so at noon, they were sending us home. Mainly, I think so we wouldn't be stuck in traffic at 5 when it was really bad. This is the scene leaving my building at noon. I think if you study this picture you will see why no one in Indiana knows how to drive on snow. No one in Indiana apparently knows you have to clear the roads.

Here's another look from the road. Don't worry. You can take a picture while you are driving, if no one is around. BTW, this is why I hate snow. And it's why I hate it when people say "Oh I hope it snows. It's so pretty when it snows." Is this pretty?

Another reason I hate snow is all the asshole drivers on the road. Look, even if you are driving a truck, you still can't go 60 mph on the snow. And you can't be riding people's asses, terrorizing them by revving your engine (which makes your back end fishtail all over the road, btw), trying to make them speed up. And, if you are so terrified of driving on the snow that you have to go 7 mph, park your car and ride the effing bus, dumbass. You are making the road unsafe for everyone. (Mainly because the asshole behind you keeps revving his engine and fishtailing his back end.)

Got behind both of these people today. That's why my mood is so cherry.

Safe at home. M's car is burried. And where the hell is my driveway?