Happy Birthday To M

Today is M's actual birthday. I think it's funny whenever her birthday comes up and people say "February 28? One more day and you would have been a leap year baby." She always gets so mad and reminds them that, since she was not born in a leap year, if she actually had been born a day later, her birthday would have been March 1.

She gets the same tone when she has to tell people her middle name is not Alexandra, it's Alexandria.

Anyway, we will be celebrating this weekend, since we're just not all able to get together during the week. Sigh. That is one of the downsides to being a small business owner: you're pretty much working all the time.

My Balls Have Chevrons

Well, it's just one ball. A Christmas ball. But it does have chevrons.

It's the Chevron Christmas Bauble from Natalie Bosworth. I whipped one out while I watched the premiere of Cult (which I recorded and watched last night). Here, Justin Timberlake helps me photograph it.

Easy pattern. Love the chevrons. Will probably make a few more of these. I used some scrap red and some scrap gold and #4 needles.

The pattern calls for a styrofoam ball. But I didn't have one on hand, so I just decided to stuff it with fluff. Here it is, flat.

And here's a big ol' handful of fluff.

And here it is, stuffed.

Why Do People Hate On Seth MacFarlane?

I'm reading so much about how awful Seth was (I call him by his first name. That's just the nature of our relationship.) as host of the Oscars. I can't possibly believe he was that bad--especially based on the clips I saw, which were pretty entertaining.

I say 'the clips I saw' because I didn't actually watch the Oscars. I never do. I feel like I can get all the information I need about who won from the internet even as it happens, if I were in that urgent of a need. As it is, I'm okay with waiting until the morning after to read the complete list online. It saves about 3 hours of my time.

I did watch Seth's opening song online, when people were making a big fuss about it. Frankly, I don't find it offensive in the least. The stars whose reactions were shown were filmed beforehand, so they knew the song and were okay with it. Besides, I think the critics kind of missed the point.

Seth was not being sexist and immature so much as he was making a statement about the nature of the business. Female nudity is so expected in film that--even though all those actresses are top of their field and all of those movies are very good movies--the filmmakers, producers, and audience still had to have their pound of flesh (or whatever naked boobs weigh) in order to feel it was good.

I think it's a very thoughtful satire. Seth does this kind of pop culture exposure very well. He also does the kind of fart-joke-seventh-grade-locker-room-humor really well, too. The problem is, sometimes people can't tell the difference. Seriously, if the criticism is that he's juvenile, why is it such a crime when he makes a sophisticated joke?

No wonder he only tried to be smart once and then just opted out for the same kind of lame topical jokes everyone else does for the rest of the show. And you know what--that Chris Brown/Rihanna joke? That joke could've easily come from Conan, or Jon Stewart, or Dave, or even Jay Leno. (If fact, I'll bet you can find at least two similar jokes from each of those guy's show monologues.)

And, if it had, people would just clutch their pearls and say "Oh! That Conan is such a scamp!" or "Jay is so edgy!" But, because it's Seth, it's somehow more offensive. I don't get it.

Yeah, I like Seth. I think he's funny. Not all the time, not every joke, but yeah. I think he's funny.

FO: Advent Ornament #5

This is actually called Advent Ornament #19, but it's my fifth one.

It's a quick, easy knit. Of course, like all the others, I knit it in worsted weight scraps.

It's a Christmas cracker, which is apparently a thing. I had only heard of Christmas crackers from my exposure to British television shows on PBS as a teenager. Otherwise, I might have been completely ignorant until the internet came along.

I think it's only fair that I point out that I had never actually seen a Christmas cracker, only heard it mentioned. So for a long time, I thought they were talking about actual crackers. Like the kind you serve with cheese.

Alternately, I knew that Brits called cookies biscuits. So maybe what we call biscuits were crackers to the English? I don't know. I was growing up in a small, backwater town in the middle of middle America--or as I like to say, Darwin's Waiting Room. What the hell did I know?

Anyway. I liked this pattern pretty well. I think I will make a few more of these to go into R & M's heirloom ornament box.

Patwoman Gets Spammed

So I talked earlier in the month about all the spam I was getting in my email. Well, I've been spammed on this blog, too.

Sadly, I've had to change my settings so that all comments will be moderated. I say sadly, because I really want to hear from people so I don't want to discourage any comments.

But really, this is not the place to shill your diet plans, life/car insurance, etc. There is a place for that.

That place is Facebook.

Another Stone Cozy Wool Accessory

So there was a little bit of the Cozy Wool left over and I really liked the almost-instant gratification that came from knitting with it. It's also a really pretty color and a warm yarn. So pretty much fantastic, in my book.

Anyway, I decided to make some boot cuffs, since I had some yarn and since M has wanted a set. So I cruised Ravelry for a pattern. With no luck.

So I ended up faking one of my own. This one picks up the 2X2 rib and the moss stitch from the cowl. Knit flat to what I guessed to be a proper length and seamed up the back. Easy-peasy mac-n-cheesy.

FO: Variegated Christmas Star

Another FO! This is the Drops Christmas Star from last year's Christmas Calendar knit in a variegated Christmas yarn. I don't know. I somehow thought the variegated colors would make it look better than the original white and red.

I'm not sure. It's festive, yes. But now I'm thinking it needs something. Like that middle part is kind of weird. Maybe a button or a bell?

I also stuffed this thing probably more than I should have. The pattern says lightly stuff, but you know anything worth doing is worth overdoing, right? I stuffed this think like it was talking dirty to me.

I might do another one of these in a solid color to see what that looks like.

The Zombiepocalypse Is One Step Closer

I read this article today and immediately thought "My God! They've actually gone and done it! Damn you all to hell!"

Forgive my horrible paraphrase of Planet of the Apes.

But seriously, my first thought was, WHY? Why create re-animated dead cells? What purpose would that serve? Like, if someone had gangrene in their leg, maybe we could just re-animate their leg? Or if someone were killed in a car accident we could re-animate their whole body?

Seems pretty gruesome to me.

Then I read the entire article (which does not really give a whole lot of detail about the practical application of such cells--either because the author didn't understand it or because he didn't feel the reader would understand it) and I was a little disappointed.

The cells are actually a form of nanotechnology--non-living cells that can be programmed to perform specific tasks. It seems to me what we are talking about is not really a zombie cell. Sure, it's not a living cell. But a toaster's not living either. And it's not a zombie.

I think a better description would be robot. Nanobot. Something like that. A tiny robot that can outperform human cells. A robot that is programmed to repair, replicate, and sustain itself. A robot that is very hard to destroy. Yeah. That's probably a good idea.

'Nother FO!

I had another skein of the Cozy Wool left over after knitting the cowl, so I decided to make a matching headband. M doesn't wear hats, but she has really liked the look of the headbands we've seen at craft shows and online.

So this, my friends, is the Not A Hat Headband Earwarmer. It's the Morning Walk Headband Earwarmer by Tif Matthews. I only used about half of the second skein of Cozy Wool, since I didn't do the crochet flower. It took about an hour to do, but I suspect it can be done quicker if you're not watching TV while you knit.

This is another pattern I have to recommend for a knit gift. It's fast, doesn't take a whole lot of yarn, very practical, very stylish, can be personalized, looks great. I think I want to make some of these for this Christmas.

Here's M, modelling both the Stone Cozy Wool Cowl and the Not A Hat Headband Earwarmer.

I think she looks good in a cowl. But, you know, this is not the only cowl she's ever worn.

FO: Stone Cozy Wool Cowl

I just couldn't go on any longer with no FOs. It was really getting me down.

So, while M and I were out cruising the Presidents' Day Sales yesterday, I got some big yarn so I could put something into the 'win' column for this month. M picked out some lovely Loops & Threads Cozy Wool--a 50% wool/50% acrylic blend in a pale, dusty blue color called Stone. It's a super bulky yarn, so it knits up quickly.

Then, of course, I spent an hour looking for the proper needles. This time, however, it was not my fault. Do you have size 13 dpns? I did have size 15 and size 17 circulars, but those didn't give me a good fabric when I knitted. And I have size 10 dpns, but that was too tight.

So, in true Goldilocks form, I just decided to knit it flat on straight 13's and then just seam the back. And that was just right.

This is the Red Rasta Cowl from eweknit. But, of course, it's not red. And it's not made from Rasta. So I guess mine would be more accurately named Stone Cozy Wool Cowl.

If you have people on your holiday list you want to knit something quick for--this is it. It took maybe 90 minutes and 90 yards of yarn. I recommend it.

Happy Birthday To R, Part 2

We celebrated R's birthday last night. It was a lot of fun to get together like that. R, his gf, M, her bf, our friend Don, and T and I all went to Olive Garden, like God intended people in the Midwest to do on their birthdays.

There was a lot of laughing. There always is. And then we came home for cake and pressies. It was awesometacular.

And, of course, I still look too young to have a 26 year old son.

I Must Be Really Pathetic To The Internet World

Jeez. In my email today:

"Meet Singles In Your Area"
"Christian Mingle"
"Never Too Late For Love: Singles 50+"
"Mature Singles"
"Someone Is Looking For You"
"Satisfy Any Woman"
"Stay Harder Longer"
"Female Viagra"
"Discount Viagra"

and the enigmatic "Ewww. Did you take a shower today?"

For the record, I am a woman and not in need of any kind of Viagra. And I have been married for almost 29 years, so not really in the market for any dates.

I don't know what the shower thing was about.

Boot Cuffs

Do you not wear socks with boots? I do. I think it feels weird to wear boots with no socks. I do go sockless in athletic shoes, provided I am not doing anything athletic. (Ha! Picture that!) And I do go without pantyhose--for my generation, that's a big thing--in dress shoes. But boots... that just seems weird.

So I was a little confused by this trend in Boot Cuffs. Like, why not just wear cool knee socks? But I am informed by several people that it is fine not to wear socks in boots. Or to wear those no-show socks that only come up to your ankle.
(These are Steve Maddens.)

M has indicated she would like some. I will probably try my hand at them soon. It seems to me like it is the best part of the sock to knit, without the heinous heel labor. So, yeah, I'm in.

They seem like they'd be fairly quick to knit, too. And I am all for quick knitting right now. I've got to get some FOs done before going back to the afghans!

What's your favorite Boot Cuff pattern? I think I've talked myself into it.

Meteor!

What? Meteors hitting the earth? Good God. That sounds like something off of SyFy's Saturday line up, doesn't it? But, it does really wake you up to the fact that, hey. Shit's real out there in space.

Not making light of this at all. I'm glad the destruction wasn't worse. (Like dinosaur worse. Or even Tunguska worse.)

And I'm glad scientists saw this coming and were able to map out a trajectory and timeline and warn people so they could at least evacuate the area. Oh wait. That part didn't happen.

Jeez, it it 2013 already and we have nothing in place to watch for these things? We're whizzing around through the galaxy at 486,000 miles per hour. And other things are whipping around and through our galaxy, too.

It's really a wonder we aren't hit more often than we are. I try not to think about that. Good luck to everyone affected by this meteor.

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to you all. I didn't get you anything.

But you know I'm not sentimental, really. In fact, T and I have decided to celebrate Valentine's Day with each other next month, out of sheer practicality.

Both R and M have February birthdays. That makes their parties and gifts a mere two weeks apart. Rather than do all three celebrations in rapid succession, we decided to wait until March so we can do something special with just the two of us.

We're both working in the store tonight, though. So we're at least hanging out with friends.

Goodwill Hunting: Pre Yarn

One thing I always look for at Goodwill are sweaters that can be frogged for their wool. In case I run out of yarn.

What? Oh sorry. What was I saying? I was laughing so hard...

Oh yes, wool sweaters. Or, as I like to call them, Pre Yarn.

I've been buying some wool sweaters to frog because I really want to try my hand at dyeing wool. I have some dyes that I've been waiting to use. I've got mostly white or cream colored sweaters, but I also have this lovely blue-green one to try to over dye. (I know! I'm crazy like that!)

Sadly, the camera did not pick up the shiny, pearly bits in that blue yarn. It doesn't look so pale and pastel in real life.

I also would like to do some felt projects. I like the look and feel of felt hats and purses, so I think I might try some of those. The ones I've done in the past have been knitted and felted, but I kind of like the idea of felting a sweater, then cutting and sewing it like fabric.

This is a sweater I felted, but I'm not sure what to do with. I love the color. And, even though the lovely moss stitch felted away a little, it still has some nice texture. And I'd like to incorporate the buttons into the project. Just not sure how.

Ah well. That's what the internet is for, right? Looking for ideas you can copy.

Doctor, Help!

I need the Doctor. Or at least a Tardis. I'm just having a lot of trouble getting everything done. I need more time!

Funny, true story: Once when I was stressed about time, T caught me sleepwalking. I had changed the time on every clock in the house, including the programmable thermostat. When he asked me what I was doing, I told him I needed more time.

But, I digress...

When I think back to my childhood, I remember I read so many books, watched so many movies, and yet played all day outside... Why was there so much time back then?

Doctor, help!

Happy Birthday To R, Part 1

Today is R's actual birthday. We aren't celebrating today (or at least not celebrating it together) since it's Monday and R usually works on Mondays. I volunteered to work for him today so he could celebrate his birthday with his gf.

We will celebrate together on Sunday, when we are all off.

R turns 26 today. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, But Patwoman, you barely look 26 yourself. How can you have a 26-year-old son?

And, you know, you wouldn't be wrong (about how youthful I look) but I assure you, he is 26 and he is my son.

Of course, I didn't finish the damn Tardis afghan, not even close. So I think that now becomes a Christmas 2013 gift. Sigh.

I have other gifts for him, though. A store-bought gift, and a gift I made for him. It's a specially-written, personalized with all of our inside jokes, book. It's fantastic and I can't wait for him to read it.

Let's Talk About Knitting

...since I don't tend to do that a lot on my knitting blog.

What do you get out of knitting? Stress relief? (There is not enough yarn in the world for me.) A sense of accomplishment? (I would think I'd have to finish something for that.)

Is it the tactile sensation? I love the feel of the yarn and the needles in my hand. The creative outlet? The purposeful focus? The unfocused busywork?

Is it the idea that you are continuing tradition or preserving skills? Is it the practicality of actually making something useful?

Or is it establishing your value of being able to make clothing in a post-apocalyptic world?

Discuss.

Batman Head

Ha. Not what you think. But it did get your attention, didn't it?

Check this out. I got a text from M while I was at work. It said "I left you a present on your table." I could not wait to get home.

When I got there, this is the awesome thing I found:

Holy crap! A Batman Head Vase! Or, as I like to call it...

my new Needle Holder.

UFO Friday... Just Like Always

I've accomplished no knitting this week. I am officially a Knit-Slacker.

I don't mean to imply that the knitting is something that must be done, a chore to get out of the way. Not like thinking, apparently. I say this because I had a conversation with a truck driver recently that went something like this:

Patwoman: So what do you do for hours on end with no one to talk to?

Trucker: I get a lot of thinking done.

Patwoman: Sure, I understand that. I have a friend who is a trucker and he actually writes a novel, using a digital recorder. Do you do something like that?

Trucker: No. I just think.

Patwoman: What do you think about?

Trucker: I've got a lot of thinking to do. I get a lot of thinking done on the road.

Patwoman: Like decisions you have to make?

Trucker: No, just thinking.

Patwoman: Like things you have to do?

Trucker: No, just thinking.

Patwoman: Like imagining stuff?

Trucker: No, just thinking.

Patwoman: Like abstract thought on social or political ideals?

Trucker: No, just thinking.

Patwoman: I'm not sure I would have enough things to think about.

Trucker: Well, I get a lot of thinking done.

Patwoman: Do you have some sort of quota of thoughts you have to make each day? What do you do when you've accomplished all your thinking for the day? Can you think some of the next day's thoughts?

Yeah, the knitting is nothing like that. Hm. Maybe I shouldn't focus on the FO's so much?

If I Were In The Middle Of A Zombiepocalypse

I read this article a while back but, since T and I have been having so many discussions about how stupid the living folks on The Walking Dead are being, I thought I'd mention this school bus.

So, this is a school bus that has been converted into a camper. It's pretty nice, as far as campers go. I, personally, do not camp. I like to sleep in a warm, soft, spider-free bed. But, if I were forced to go camping (like in a zombiepocalypse) I think this wouldn't be bad.

Of course, in an actual zombiepocalypse, you'd want to lose those most of those windows and make the door a little more secure.

I seriously do not understand why Rick and the gang tend to sleep outside so often. The one thing I would definitely not do in a zombie-infested world is sleep outside, unprotected. But that's just me.

I never would have left Atlanta if I were Rick. I would have secured a floor of one of those apartment buildings, then worked my way through the rest of the building, securing it as I went. I would go so far as to take out the stairs one the first floor. You could always make some sort of drop down ladder, right? (Oh, and you'd want to shut off the gas line pretty much first thing. If 28 Days Later has taught us anything, it's that the gas lines will blow up right away.)

But, then you'd have a whole apartment building, filled with food, clothing, medicine (presumeably), books (maybe), weapons (probably), and comfortable, non-spidery, indoor beds. You could set up a water collection and filtration system and a garden on the roof, and also shoot or trap birds for meat. Yeah, I know those birds would be pigeons and they are probably not very tasty to eat, but right now Rick's group is eating squirrel and that's probably not much better.

At least pigeon would be white meat, right? A little healthier?

Eventually, you might take a neighboring building in the same way. Then, you could build a bridge or a pully system from one building to another. It would give you yet another escape route, another place to fall back to (destroying the bridge would secure that entrance), and you could gradually take back the city.

It's estimated that in The Walking Dead, the walkers outnumber the living 5,000 to 1. So I think you need to do something to get yourself out of the middle of them. From above, you could dispatch zombies with relative safety--shooting them with arrows, dropping things on them, shooting with guns, etc. And, you could set off car alarms like crazy to herd them where you wanted them.

And you'd want to kill them off, not just for your own safety, but for survival, as well. We know from several episodes that the walkers eat animals. Deer, Rick's horse... So, left unchecked, they will eat all the meat.

One other safety feature of living in a building--the show has implied the walkers don't have any sort of super-zombie-powers of detection. They only know a living person is around if they see or hear them, right? So, once in the building, it becomes an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. Sure, there will still be a ton of walkers on the street, but they would not be actively trying to get you. And with the first floor stairs gone, they might ramble around in the lobby, but that's it.

Of course, the worst thing about being in a hot city like Atlanta filled with rotting corpses...

Of Remembrances

Today is my brother’s birthday. He is gone, for quite some time now, 18 years, but I always feel his absence (and his presence) so acutely on this day.

Let me tell you about my brother. He was older than me, the middle of my three brothers. And he was awesome. You know those people who you just want to be around? They’re so much fun, so clever, so funny…? The people who just are the party? Yeah, that was my bro. I don’t think I ever heard of anyone who didn't love him.

Not kidding. People loved him. Immediately and forever.

That sort of mega-charisma has always amazed me. I’m not like that. I wouldn't even know how to begin to be like that. How do you just assume you’ll be able to do something perfectly the first time—water ski, play an instrument, impress someone? How can you be able to talk to anyone in just the right way? How can you always know how to be cool?

I ask, because I don’t know. But yeah, he knew. Hundreds of people attended his funeral. Literally.

Here are some memories:

- When I was really little, we had a garden in the backyard. Both older brothers were taking turns tilling the soil using an old fashioned non-motorized push plow. This is the kind of plow that usually had a stone on the front to weight it down. I can’t remember if there actually was a stone or not, but one of my brothers had the idea of putting me or my little brother on the handlebars of this plow for weight.

Of course, that was great fun for us so we kept insisting they give us plow rides, long after they’d decided that plan was a bad one. So, as we are plowing, we turned up a tree root. It was pointed and curved and looked something like a bull’s horn. My brother shrieked in fear and told us we had accidentally dug up the devil. My little brother and I ran into the house and didn't ask for any more plow rides, ever again.

- When my brother went away to college, he sent me fantastic letters every week. They would be cut in puzzle shapes, or written in code, or they would come in sequence over the course of days. He came home for my 8th (I think it was 8) birthday, with a huge box, wrapped in birthday paper. (In our house, using that much paper on one present was pretty much unheard of, too.) I unwrapped it to find a smaller wrapped box, which held a smaller one, which held a smaller one, etc. In the end, the small box contained a gold necklace, which I still have.

- He was such a practical joker. He used to have these parties at the house (these were non-alcohol parties, with my mom home and everything) and the house would be filled with his and my oldest bro’s friends. They’d put the stereo speakers out on the porch and on the roof and play Steppenwolf and Three Dog Night. There would be pizza with peppers—always with tons of hot peppers—and other daring food like snails and chocolate covered ants.

And there would be some prank. Like the time he and some friends propped Linda’s subcompact car up an inch off the ground so when she went to leave, the car just spun its wheels without moving. (Linda’s car got moved into several awkward places over the years. It was a frequent target.)

- In my adulthood, we spoke often on the phone. He was always the first to volunteer to help us move (and we moved a lot in those days because of work) and he always came to holiday get togethers, no matter how far away I lived. The first year I had a video camera at Thanksgiving he ran amok with it and everyone had so much fun.

That’s really the heart of if, isn’t it? All those times filled with amazement, pride, laughter, fun… That’s why I still feel his loss so sharply and painfully now.

Yarn Bowl

Take a look at this bowl.

If you are looking for something to do with all your yarn snips, this is it. She’s taken a bunch of yarn snips and some paste and made a colorful bowl suitable for display in your yarn room. What? You don’t have a whole room devoted to yarn?

Me neither. But someday…

I do have a bunch of yarn scraps. As you know, I save the longish ones for my magic ball or my psychedelic mitered afghan (that I’ve been adding squares to for years). But lately, I’ve been saving my small snips, too. You know, the ones that are left when you’ve weaved in the ends on a project? The ones that are six inches or less?

I’ve been saving mine since the beginning of the year in this jalapeno jar. (I have been jokingly calling it my Jalapeno Scarf.) But now, I think I have my project. I’m going to make one of these bowls.


But first, I suppose, I have to knit some more.

Game Day

Super Bowl Sunday. You know I love it. I don’t have a stake in either team, but I love the commercials and the party atmosphere. And I love the food. At the Patwoman house, we make about a billion different kinds of hors oeuvres for our Super Bowl festivities.

This year, we didn’t even really watch the game. Yeah, I guess we watched, off and on, while we prepared food. We watched the halftime show. And then we played board games until about 1:00 am.

Now, of course you all know I love games. But I am not the best at waiting my turn. So while we played Settlers of Catan, I played with my game pieces.

Mini Stonehenge...



My name...



Then I regressed to about 12 years old...
and


After Settlers, we played Legendary, Marvel’s deck building game. I love that game. If you have the opportunity to play it, do. I would still be playing if they hadn't made me stop.

Shopping With JT

Okay. I really went shopping with M. But, as I’ve always told you, if you want the deals when you go shopping, you’ve got to go with M. She will find the most amazing things for you.

Check this out.

Yep. That’s right. It’s Justin Timberlake. In marionette form.

It was totally an impulse buy. I mean, who really needs a JT marionette? Nobody, that’s who. But I couldn't resist him. And I’m thinking he loves yarn as much as I do, so I’m sure he will be happy to make guest appearances on my blog every now and then.

Am I right, JT?

Holy Crap, I Hope That Groundhog Is Right

I am so tired of winter. Tired of cold. Tired of snow and ice. Tired of mud. We had some 60 degree weather here for a couple of days (thanks, Global Warming) even though it was January. I think I could deal with that a little more often.

I would, in fact, like to live somewhere that it never got colder than about 60 degrees.



But, as T is so kind to remind me, those places have to deal with earthquakes, lava, or 6 inch centipedes.

UFO Friday

Ungh. Still have not made significant progress on R’s birthday afghan. Good grief! Will I have to make this a Christmas 2013 afghan? What is wrong with me?

Of course, as T points out, it is a huge afghan. It’s more of a bedspread, really. For a queen-sized bed. Still, this thing is really making me feel inadequate.

I almost feel I should push this out to Christmas and do something easier for R's birthday. Or I suppose I could just do a late birthday gift. It will be late. I’m only half done and his birthday is on the 11th.

Plus, I’m feeling a little nervous about sending James a Tardis baby hat. I know he’s a huge Doctor Who fan, but maybe he’s not so much a fan of the knitted gifts…?

Oh, insecurities!